Intelligent Listening For Beginners

Written by: Chris Boucher

Cast in order of appearance:
Shift foreman
Process operator
‘Box’(sort of hand-held computer with voice control)
Commander Nathan Spring
Inspector David Theroux
Michael Chandri
Ben
Leo
Inspector Pal Kenzy
Colin Devis
Shuttle hostess Tara Ward

(MUSIC BEGINS) Justin Hayward: "It Won't Be Easy" (Star Cops Theme)


(SCENE: CONTROL ROOM AT BANKSIDE CHEMICAL PROCESSING PLANT EARTHSIDE)

(Words scroll across the control console.)

Shift Foreman: Oh rose, though art sick. Oh rose, though art sick? (laughs) What in God’s name, all this gibberish? All right, who’s the joker? Come on, I saw it! Punched up on here. Come on!

Process Operator: We have a problem!

Shift Foreman: Damn right! It may not be that we ever get to hear what

Process Operator: The second process line is out of phase.

Shift Foreman: Well, balance it for Christ’s sake!

Process Operator: I can’t! Computer’s not responding!

Shift Foreman: It must be. Get out of the way. (pushes buttons on console) God help us, we’re losing three as well! Hit the alarm!

(alarms sound)

Shift Foreman: Get the hell out of here!

(Everyone runs toward exits.)

(SCENE: STARCOP OFFICE)

Box: Another example has come to light.

Spring: All right. Run it through. Let’s see if there’s a flaw.

Box: Running.

Theroux: Are you ready?

Spring: Just a minute.

Theroux: It’s a long-dist drive to Outpost 9. (Looks at screen.) News.

Male Announcer: As yet, there appears to be no explanation of the exact nature of the computer failure which caused the destruction of the Bankside Chemical Processing Plant in Britian earlier today. These pictures of the disaster as it happened are brought to you exclusively by TWBC, the station that is first to bring you the news.

Theroux: Kill screen. I cannot believe those bastards getting away with using that stuff.

Spring: Hmm?

Theroux: TWBC. Must’ve greased somebody to get their hands on those pictures.

Spring: Something wrong with corruption?

Theroux: Mmm. I thought it was against the law.

Spring: You ought to try telling that to Inspector Hubble.

Theroux: Hubble’s our only American!

Spring: Apart from you.

Theroux: I don’t count.

Spring: Neither does he. He’s bent.

Theroux: I hope the evidence you’ve got is better than what you’ve got against Kenzy.

Spring: It’s virtually the same.

Theroux: So Hubble has more money than he should have. Various characters he’s been involved with have less.

Spring: In a nutshell. Now tell me what a good poker player he is.

Theroux: Well, Kenzy’s a good poker player, and a national figure.

Spring: Only in Australia. (walks out) Are you coming, Theroux?

(SCENE: MOONROVER CROSSING LUNAR SURFACE)

Theroux: Don’t you think maybe you should give ‘em a second chance?

Spring: No.

Theroux: Oh, you’re just gonna fire two of the longest serving officers in your command. No warning, just ‘thanks guys and goodbye.’

Spring: I wasn’t gonna thank them, actually.

Theroux: Yeah well, those two have got friends.

Spring: Oh yes. Well, I’m aware that you’re a fan of Kenzy’s, if that’s what you mean.

Theroux: No, I mean people with power. Influential friends.

Spring: I never knew a successful crook yet who didn’t have those kind of friends.

Theroux: Hey, you don’t have any real proof against either one of them.

Spring: Hubble and Kenzy are dirty.

Theroux: Yeah, but it’d never stand up in court.

Spring: Which is the only reason why I’m not insisting that it does.

Theroux: You know, you can take off your helmet, Commander.

Spring: (takes off helmet)

(Beeping noise – Moonrover stops.)

Spring: Something wrong?

Theroux: Security parameter. Automatic cutoff while they check us out.

Spring: All right if I scream now?

Theroux: Sorry, I should’ve warned you that was gonna happen.

Spring: (sighs) You did. So do all the training people. You leave Earth, and anything you forget to bring with you will kill you. Anything you do bring with you, which doesn’t work properly, will kill you. When in doubt, assume everything is gonna kill you.

Theroux: Thought you didn’t believe all that stuff.

Spring: I don’t. That’s the trouble with training. Even when you don’t believe it you believe it.

(Beeping stops.)

Female Voice (over radio): Moonrover 7. Prepare for voice identification as a preliminary to security clearance for access to Outpost 9.

Theroux: Yes, this is Moonrover 7, ready for voice identifica....

Female Voice: Please speak now.

Spring: You know, it used to take a lot of talent and the right sort of upbringing to be polite and have filthy manners at the same time. Now it just takes a computer.

Female Voice: Commander Nathan Spring, senior officer, International Space Police Force is identified. Thank you.

Spring: Thank you.

Theroux: Well, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Female Voice: Inspector David Theroux of the International Space Police Force is identified. Thank you.

Spring: (laughs) A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do!

Female Voice: Please transmit your journey authorization code.

Theroux: Yeah, you know who said that?

Spring: (laughs) Just about every drunk who ever thought he was funny, I should imagine.

Theroux: No no, come on. Anybody who claims to know movies ought to know who said, “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” (inputs codes)

Spring: All right. all right, all right. Let me think. It’s a film, and it’s a quote. It runs..

Moonrover restarts)

Female Voice: Moonrover 7, you may proceed to Outpost 9.

Theroux: No no no no no. Either you know it or you don’t.

Spring: A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Now, let me just run it through.

Box: Shane.

Theroux: That was box.

Spring: What are you, some sort of bad loser?

(Beeping – Moonrover stops.)

Spring: What is it?

Theroux: I don’t know.

Female Voice: Moonrover 7. An unauthorized communications device has been operated from your vehicle. Clarification is required before your journey can continue.

Theroux: (laughs) You used Box to tap the base film file.

Spring: I had occasion to use a multifunction self-selecting interface system.

Female Voice: It is not registered to Moonrover 7.

Spring: It’s personal property. (to David) You know that is one hell of a lot of security for one small outpost. Wouldn’t you say?

Female Voice: Moonrover 7. You may proceed.

(Moonrover restarts)

(SCENE: OUTPOST 9)

Chandri: We have certain military involvements, as I’m sure you do yourselves.

Spring: Involvements?

Chandri: Difficult to avoid out here.

Theroux: We seem to manage.

Chandri: It’s a question of funding as much as anything. (looking at Box) Interesting. They never went into production with it, did they?

Spring: No, it was one of the prototypes.

Theroux: What exactly do you do out here, Dr. Chandri?

Chandri: You didn’t bother to check the listing?

Theroux: You’re listed as Communications R&D, which doesn’t tell us a whole hell of a lot.

Chandri: It tells you as much as you need to know. As much as we want anyone to know, in fact.

Theroux: Even us?

Spring: I’d say you’re working in digital cryptography. New ciphers for old. Code making, code breaking, that sort of thing.

Chandri: Especially you, perhaps.

Spring: (laughs) Oh, it’s just that you lead a civilian project team. Most of your personnel seem to be mathematicians or computer development engineers. You have one hell of a lot of security and, as you put it, certain military involvements. (laughs) You see, it’s just a guess. No magic.

Chandri: As I said.

Spring: Yes, yes, I know, I know. We know as much about you as we need to know. Well, perhaps you’d like to tell us what we do, then.

Chandri: I’m sorry?

Spring: Why did you send for us?

Chandri: Oh yes, of course. I have some excellent coffee, which should be just about ready.

Theroux: (looking at blank screen) You have a screen maintenance problem.

Chandri: How do you like your coffee?

Theroux: Black, no sweeteners. Thanks.

Chandri: Commander?

Spring: Oh, the same. Thank you.

Theroux: We could send one of the main base guys out if you like.

Chandri: Inspector, you know quite well why that screen if off. You won’t embarrass me about our security, you know.

Theroux: I wasn’t looking to, Sir.

Chandri: You’re impressed with my library, Commander.

Spring: (laughs) Yes! Yes, I am. I’m more impressed by the weight allocation it took to bring them and, and all of this from Earth. You must have friends in the freight business.

Chandri: It was all paid for, I assure you. I don’t like electronic books. There’s something about poetry particularly which needs to be read from the page. It dies when you put it on a viewing screen.

Spring: May I?

Chandri: Of course.

(Spring picks a book from the shelf.)

Theroux: I don’t think I’ve even met a genuine multimillionaire before.

Chandri: We’re not that uncommon, surely. (to Spring) That’s a collection of William Blake. Are you familiar with his work?

Spring: No, not really.

Theroux: Was some kind of lunatic, wasn’t he?

Chandri: Lunacy. Madness brought on by the moon. Did you know that’s where the word came from?

Spring: How can we help you, Sir?

Chandri: Actually, you can’t help us. We can help you, I think.

Spring: Well, we’re always grateful for that.

Chandri: Some intelligence has come into our possession, which we feel is properly the concern of the Space Police. A group of extremists are planning to highjack one of the Earth-Moon shuttles.

Spring: When?

Chandri: Fairly soon, we think.

Spring: Which group?

Chandri: The Organization of Pan Continental Anarchists are behind it.

Theroux: Organizations of anarchists. Sounds like a contradiction in terms, doesn’t it? Kind of like military intelligence. Is that what this is, Sir? Military intelligence.

Chandri: Actually, anarchism means without ruler. It doesn’t mean without order.

Theroux: Well, I’ll try to remember that.

Chandri: The group involved call themselves the BHG. Apparently that stands for the Black Hand Gang, but we can’t identify any of the members at this stage.

Theroux: (laughs loudly) The Black Hand Gang!

Chandri: It’s no joke, I assure you.

Spring: Is the source of this military?

Chandri: The information if reliable.

Spring: Well, you do realize you’ve given us too little to act upon and too much to ignore.

Theroux: Leaves worrying as our only option.

Chandri: Well, you could put men on the flights.

Theroux: What? Sky Marshals? They were always a lousy idea.

Spring: One question, if I may?

Chandri: I have nothing more to say.

Spring: Why did you want to speak to us, Dr. Chandri? Why do you want to talk to us in person?

Chandri: I want to impress upon you the importance of...

Theroux: You could’ve done that over the communicator circuit.

(Spring shoots Theroux a warning look)

Chandri: I was probably being overcautious. It’s just that it was slightly sensitive material, and in my field one is aware of the, the vulnerability of carrier waves.

Spring: Is that what you do here?

Chandri: It wouldn’t be wise to read too much into a casual remark, Commander.

Spring: That’s your principle research here, isn’t it? Communications Monitoring.

Theroux: Not more buggers and super snoopers.

Spring: No, more impressive than that. We’ve always been able to hear more than we can listen to... Are you developing intelligent listening systems?

Theroux: Sounds impressive.

Chandri: I must suggest that to go on could be a foolish risk.

Theroux: Threats, Doctor?

Chandri: An observation, merely.

Spring: Machines that listen to everything and decide for themselves what’s worth passing on? Is that where your BHG information came from? Did you do a test running? Did one of your new computers pick it out from the babble of all the world?

Chandri: Commander, it’s been a pleasure meeting you.

(Spring glares at Theroux)

Theroux: What?

(Spring and Theroux prepare to leave)

Theroux: Tireless attention to every word spoken. No possibility of human error. You tell it to listen for the bad guys and it listens to everybody and identifies the ones you want it to.

Spring: It can’t be quite as successful as that.

Chandri: You think not?

Spring: We’re unable to identify the members of the gang at this stage. That’s what you said, wasn’t it?

Chandri: Ah, yes. But then one would hesitate to develop something which would do you people out of a job.

Spring: There’s no danger of that, I’m afraid.

Chandri: Perhaps I seem to you incapable of such complex work. Is that what you think, Commander?

Theroux: No. He thinks that where there’s living, there’s policemen. One of nature’s rules.

Chandri: It must be very restful to be sure of one’s place in the world.

Spring: It would be more restful to be assured that one was gonna get back to it safely.

Chandri: We are on the same side, you know.

Spring: Not so long ago, my closest friend was killed by someone on our side.

Chandri: You will keep me informed of anything you discover about the high jacking?

Spring: Was there something else you wanted to tell me, Dr. Chandri?

Chandri: There is nothing I can tell you.

Spring: Well, if you change your mind...

Chandri: My world, the world I came from, reveres all life.

Spring: This is a dead world, Sir.

(SCENE: MOONROVER, PREPARING TO LEAVE OUTPOST 9)

Theroux: What kept you?

Spring: I’m not sure. Promises of safe conduct, I think.

Theroux: You getting paranoid again?

Spring: Well, don’t knock it. Without paranoia, how are you gonna know who your enemies are? (to radio) This is Moonrover 7, Moonrover 7. All checks complete. Open main service access lock.

(Outer doors open.)

Spring: You know, it’s moments like this which explain the less-pleasant smells of space travel.

Theroux: Yeah, scares the crap out of you too, huh?

(They leave the base.)

Spring: He was hiding something.

Theroux: Gee, do you really think so?

Spring: If you’d talked less and listened more we might’ve found out what.

(SCENE: CHANDRI’S OFFICE)

Computer: A further worm has been identified.

Chandri: Have we received the location signal?

Computer: The location signal is precise.

(SCENE: MOONROVER)

Theroux: Nathan, I was trying to help.

Spring: Well, didn’t you feel how close he was?

Theroux: To what? All right, if I’d have talked less and listened more we might have found out what?

Spring: That he was scared. He wanted to tell us something, he just couldn’t trust us.

Theroux: What do you base that on? Reading the coffee grounds? Yeah. You know what I love about your intuition, Commander? The detective’s instinct.

Spring: Nose, David. The preferred professional expression is ‘detective’s nose.’

Theroux: Hmm. Well, by the law of averages you’ve gotta be right about fifty percent of the time.

Spring: That’s a comforting thought, isn’t it?

Theroux: Hmm. Simple goddamn guesswork.

Spring: Not exactly.

Theroux: Well, what would you call it then?

Spring: An intelligent listening system, for beginners. Failing that, just goddamn guesswork. Nothing’s ever simple involving people.

(SCENE: CONTROL ROOM - CHANNEL TUNNEL – EARTHSIDE)

Ben: Okay, Leo, you’re relieved.

Leo: I am too. Relieved!

Ben: That’s what I just said.

Leo: They put sixteen extra trains through this shift. Sixteen!

Ben: You know your trouble, Leo?

Leo: Bloody screen was flashing like a fruit machine.

Ben: You’ve never recognized that the channel tunnel was, is now, and forever shall be a business. World without end, amen.

(Words scroll across control screen, unnoticed. “Oh rose, though are sick.”)

Leo: Profit isn’t everything.

Ben: Well loss, isn’t anything. (laughs)

Leo: Yeah, you can laugh, but it won’t do a thing for you and the rest of the shareholders if the computers overload and the whole bloody system crashes.

Ben: (laughs) Well, I’ve got some stock in a couple of hospitals and three medical supply houses.

Leo: You can forget medical supplies if the main tunnel fouls up. They’ll all be well beyond medical help, and you know it.

Ben: Hmm. Heavy lifting ??? and funeral parlors. That’s where the smart money will be. I wonder what price they’re quoting.

Leo: I’m serious, Ben.

Ben: Yes, Leo.

Leo: Safety? They’ve got no bloody idea.

Ben: Yes, Leo.

Leo: I’ve warned them.

Ben: Yes, Leo.

Leo: I’m sick of warning them.

Ben: Ever think maybe they’re sick of it too? I know I am.

(Entire control screen flashes on and off.)

Leo: Did you see that?

Ben: What?

Leo: It flickered. The screen flickered, the whole think blinked off.

Ben: (laughs) I suggest you do the same. Go on, your shifts over. Blink off!

(Control screen flickers on and off.)

Leo, whispering: Look at it, you bloody fool!

Ben: Central monitoring to Control. We have a perceived malfunction on our main screen. Switch to backup and confirm, please.

(Train monitors start going from green to red, rapidly. Trains begin stopping. Two trains are headed straight for each other. Alarms sound.)

Leo: I’ve warned them not to keep pushing the

(words scroll across control screen. “The invisible worm that flies in the night.”)

Ben: Look? Did you see that?

Leo: I didn’t see anything.

Ben: You must have seen.

Leo: I didn’t see. See what? Hey what? What you talking about? I didn’t see anything.

Ben: They were words. What were they?

Leo: I didn’t see anything.

(SCENE: MOONROVER)

Female Voice (on radio): There’s an Australian waiting to see you, Commander Spring. One of your people, they said.

Spring: Did they give a name?

Female Voice: An officer Kenzy.

(SCENE: STARCOP OFFICE, MOONBASE)

Male Announcer (on video screen): The multiple wreck in the tunnel under the English Channel has been put down to computer failure. Rumors of sabotage, which link this incident with the explosions at the Bankside Chemical Processing Plant, still persist. Bizarre stories of poetry preceding disaster are circulating.

Spring: Screen off.

Kenzy: Ah, Commander. Pal Kenzy. I hope you didn’t mind my waiting in here. Only, they said you were on your way back from one of the outposts.

Spring: Inspector Kenzy. You know Inspector Theroux.

Theroux: Yes, we have met.

Kenzy: Yes. Hi. (to Spring) I was on leave, Commander, when you were first appointed, and since then I’ve been catching up on the backlog.

Spring: Yes, so I understand.

Kenzy: I’m currently based on The Coral Sea. That’s the fixed orbit station run by the Allied...

Spring: Allied Pacific Consortium, yes I know. What exactly is it you want, Kenzy?

Kenzy: Well, this is the first chance I’ve had to pay my respects and welcome you to the Star Cops.

Spring: Thank you.

Kenzy: I realize now’s probably not the time, but there was something I wanted you to see.

Spring: You’re right, Kenzy. Now’s not the time.

Kenzy: (laughs) Ah, you don’t understand, Commander.

Spring: Quite possibly.

Kenzy: This weapon has been developed for the High Frontier.

Spring: And your interest is?

Kenzy: Well, it’s manufactured in Australia by the Consortium. Commander, this really is the weapon we need if we’re to keep control out here. The wavelength of this laser can be precisely adjusted for a variety of organic materials.

Theroux: Like flesh.

Kenzy: Uh huh. You can even pick the pigmentation of the skin, and it won’t touch anything else.

Theroux: Oh, the bastards have finally come up with a racist weapon.

Kenzy: Oh, come on, David.

Spring: We’re not interested in your gun, Kenzy.

Kenzy: Yeah, well think about it, Commander. You can hardly use your police special out on the stations.

Spring: I don’t usually carry a gun at all.

Kenzy: (laughs) Well, that’ll be good news to the scum who’ll be pouring out here. Unarmed cops looking after the interest of the settlers.

Spring: I’m impressed by your concern with other people’s interests.

Kenzy: Meaning?

Spring: Not your strong suit, surely. Screen on. Run.

Video Screen: Kenzy: I don’t give a rat’s rear end about your family. I’ll heave you straight back Earthside, and you can starve right along with them.

Male Voice: But my kid’s sick, I can’t pay the hospital bills. You send me back to Earth now, I don’t know what I’ll do. My son could die.

Kenzy: Tough break. He shouldn’t have picked a loser for a father.

Male Voice: Look, look. Can’t we come to some arrangement?

Kenzy: Arrangement?

Male Voice: Well, I paid a recruiter to get this job. An agency, he called it. I think perhaps I was cheated. If I could pay to make sure I wasn’t cheated again...

Kenzy: Oh, these things cost money. Cash money.

Male Voice: Oh, I’m ready. I’m ready to pay to be protected.

Spring: Freeze frame. You’re already paid to protect him.

Kenzy: What’s going on here?

Spring: We pay you.

Kenzy: (to David) Did you know about this?

Spring: Well, at least we used to pay you.

Kenzy: Oh, no... You think I just rode over the rim on the Sputnik?

Spring: You’re fired, Kenzy.

Kenzy: You can’t. Not on evidence like that, you can’t! Some small-time crim set out to smear my good name.

Spring: Yes, with some success, wouldn’t you say?

Kenzy: Listen, you balmy one-minute wonder. I was just stringing him along so that I could add attempting to bribe an officer to all the other counts I’ve got him on.

Devis: How very convincing you were too, Ex-officer Kenzy.

Kenzy (to Devis, who was the ‘Male Voice’): You set me up!

Devis: Doesn’t take much doin’ when they’re as greedy as you are.

Spring: This is Inspector Devis, one of our more recent recruits.

Devis: Formerly Detective Chief Inspector Devis, ‘til a woman cost me my job. She’s doing time now.

Spring: And unless you want to find yourself in the same situation, you catch the first shuttle back to Earth.

Kenzy: Oh don’t worry, Commander, I intend to! There’s some people in Canberra who’ll be very interested in how you’re running things out here.

Spring: Yes, yes. Goodbye, Kenzy.

Kenzy: (laughs) Oh, don’t count on it, Spring.(leaves)

Devis: Not a bad looking woman for all that, wouldn’t you say? (to Theroux) Sorry we’ve not been introduced. Not properly. Colin Devis. We did meet briefly.

Theroux: Yes. I processed your documentation. When I passed you through I had no idea who you were. Were you testing me as well?

Devis: I can tell you now, he’s as straight as a dime.

Theroux: Butt out, Jack! When I want a character reference from you, I’ll ask for one, all right?

Devis: It’s Colin, not Jack!

Spring: All right, Devis, all right. Give us a couple of minutes.

Devis: Word of advice, David. No one loves a smart ass, least of all me. (Leaves.)

Spring: Get it off your chest.

Theroux: Don’t you patronize me, you supercilious bastard!

Spring: I wasn’t.

Theroux: You couldn’t tell me, could you! Again, you couldn’t tell me!

Spring: You never believed she was bent.

Theroux: I didn’t realize it was a condition of employment.

Spring: I needed a clean approach.

Theroux: What? You thought I’d give your grubby little scheme away?

Spring: All right! That’s enough! Now, I run this outfit, and I run it according to my own lights! David! Sometimes those lights might not be as bright as they ought to be. Sue me. (Gives Theroux a badge.)

Theroux: What’s this?

Spring: It’s your promotion.

Theroux: I didn’t realize you were planning to promote me.

Spring: You did a good job on the Daedalus case. You’re now officially my second in command. Call Colin back in here, will you? I want him to find out exactly who produces that gun.

Theroux: Hey, Colin. (to Spring) I thought we weren’t interested in her gun.

Spring: No, not from her. But that gun is just what we need.

Theroux: You realize she’s probably got shares in the company.

Spring: Well, you can take principle too far.

Theroux:(laughs) You know, I never know when you’re serious and when you’re joking.

Spring: When in doubt, don’t smile.

Devis: Don’t smile?

Theroux: Yeah. It’s the secret of advancement in the Star Cops.

Devis: Well, that’s useful to know. Right then, what’s next. There’s an officer Hubble you wanted sorted out?

Spring: Hmm. You and, and David deal with that. I’ve got a more urgent priority. I’m gonna get my head down.

Devis: Yeah, I could do with some kip myself.

Theroux: Hey, Devis.

Devis: Yes, David.

Theroux: Do you sleep well on the move? (Shows Devis his new badge.)

Devis: Yes, Sir. Why on the move?

Theroux: Because you have got some guns to buy.

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING’S QUARTERS)

Spring: Do you ever have those days when you feel as though you missed every trick?

Box: And today was like that?

Spring: Since Lee died every day’s been like that. I’m not as fast and as clear as I used to be.

Box: Tomorrow is another day.

Spring: (laughs) When did I program you for platitudes?

Box: The program merely reflects a slightly degraded version of your own speech patterns.

Spring: (Laughs) Access the history data bank, reference the Black Hand Gang, initials BHG.

Box: Is there a cross-reference?

Spring: Anarchist.

Box: Checking.

Spring: Supposed to be an anarchist splinter group.

Box: Supposed to be?

Spring: Well, there’s remarkably little information known about it.

Box: It is a secret organization perhaps.

Spring: Hmm. It has enormous power focused on it, yet it remains hidden.

Box: What power?

Spring: Technology.

Box: You have said, “The more powerful the technology, the smaller the error needed to defeat it.”

Spring: You’re right about the platitudes.

Box: You have also said, “People are too unreliable to be successfully replaced by machines.”

Spring: I hope I only said all this crap to you.

Box: You have also said, “ The beginning needn’t be rational, as lo...”

Spring: That’s all right, Box. All right. Just tell me about the BHG.

Box: The Black Hand Gang was a criminal organization formed in the United States of America around 1868. Do you require a detailed history?

Spring: Criminal? Not political?

Box: It is not listed as political.

Spring: What? Not anarchist?

Box: No. The Black Hand were Spanish anarchists repressed in 1883.

Spring: Black Hand, not Black Hand Gang? Well, how bright can they be if they’ve called themselves after the wrong outfit?

Box: How bright must they be?

Spring: Well, bright enough to avoid being discovered by Dr. Chandri’s awesome machines. (Prepares for bed.) Sleep circuit. Seascape. Soft waves lapping a beach. Vaughan Williams. (music plays) Poetry precedes disaster.

Box: Is this something you wish to develop?

Spring: Something I want to understand. Monitor the news programs. Reference: computer failures.

Box: Priority?

Spring: Well, don’t wake me with any progress reports. (quietly) I miss you, Lee.

(SCENE: STARCOPS OFFICE – MOONBASE)

Spring: How’s it feel to be back on Earth?

Devis (via video-phone): Sorry, I didn’t quite get that.

Spring: I said, “How does it feel to be back on Earth?”

Devis: It’s exhausting. You forget how bloody heavy you are down here.

Spring: At least the scenery’s green.

Devis: Yeah, so’s vomit. (laughs)

Box: I have an update on the poetry.

Spring: Not now, Box.

Devis: Listen, was there something particular you wanted? Only, I haven’t closed the deal yet.

Spring: I want you to double the order.

Devis: What, two hundred guns? Somebody declare war up there?

Spring: We need more people.

Devis: Don’t tell me, you’re gonna invade Poland.

Spring: Just finish your business quickly and get out here, will you? We’re spread a bit thin on the ground.

Devis: Well, you will keep sacking people.

Spring: Yes, do bear that in mind.

Devis: I’ll get the next shuttle. Incidentally, you’ll never guess who developed this gun in the first place.

Spring: No, and I’m not gonna waste time trying.

Devis: Chandri. The guy with the useless information about highjackers?

Spring: Score one for the man who reveres all life.

Devis: Rich boy makes good, eh? See ya’. (Hangs up.)

Spring: There’s no mention of weapons development on his personnel file.

Theroux: Yeah, his father was the inventor in the family.

Spring: You build a better locking system, and suddenly everybody’s knocking on your door.

Theroux: (laughs) And can’t get in.

Box: I have an update on the poetry.

Spring: Yes, Box.

Box: Probabilities suggest that it is a poem by Blake.

Spring: Run it.

Theroux: What’s a poem by Blake?

Box: Oh Rose, thou are sick. The invisible worm that flies in the night in the howling storm has found out thy bed of crimson joy and his dark secret does thy life destroy.

Theroux: Definitely weird. Say wasn’t it Chandri who was a Blake fan?

Spring: Yes. Blake the visionary and lunatic. I’m gonna need to speak to Chandri again. Get onto Outpost 9, will you? Tell him I’m coming.

Theroux: Uh, no. Well no, we can’t go now. Hubble’s waiting to see you. You were going to fire him, or had you forgotten.

Spring: Yes, well, you do it.

Theroux: (laughs) Me?

Spring: Hmm. I’ll send him in.

Theroux: Hey! Wh...wh..wh..wh..wh.. Hey! Wh.. Wait a minute, Nathan!

Spring: Inspector Hubble!

Theroux: Wait, you’re doing this deliberately, aren’t you?

Hubble: Hello.

Spring: I’m very pleased to meet you. I’m sorry we can’t stay and have a chat, but I’ve got to rush off. Look, I .. I think that Chief Superintendent Theroux has got something he wants to say to you. Still, nice to meet you at long last. (leaves)

Hubble: Hi, Dave.

Theroux: Yeah, hi. How’re you doing, Kirk? Come on in. Uh, have a seat.

(SCENE: MOONROVER)

Spring: Screen on. How’d it go?

Theroux (via video-phone): Hubble is rubble.

Spring: As easy as that?

Theroux: (laughs) He couldn’t wait to resign.

Spring: Gutless too.

Theroux: Yeah, Pal Kenzy’s twice the man he’ll ever be.

Spring: We need replacements for the two of them.

Theroux: Yeah, and then some.

Spring: Moonbase. Moonbase you’re breaking up.

(Beeping)

Spring: Bloody security computer again. The man’s security obsessed.

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

Devis: This seat taken?

Kenzy: You have got some kind of nerve, Devis.

Devis: You mean it isn’t.

Kenzy: Security must be really lax on this run if they let health hazards like you on board.

Devis: You manage to get a sleeping cubicle? Only, I was too late. ‘Cause if you did, perhaps we could share it, use it in shifts, and uh split the cost.

Kenzy: Ow!

Devis: Sorry. (sings) Fly me to the moon. (sighs) Or we could use it together even. I’m very cuddly when you get to know me.

Kenzy: (laughs) You bastard!

Devis: (laughs) That’s better. I didn’t think a good-looking woman like you would be the type to bear a grudge.

Air Hostess: Excuse me, Sir. Could you please? (Indicates bag in Devis’ lap.)

Devis: Oh yeah, right.

Kenzy: I got the impression you didn’t like women all that much.

Devis: Women police officers.

Kenzy: And I’m not a police officer any more.

Devis: Not unless that trip to Canberra was everything you hoped for.

Kenzy: I’ve got contacts working on it.

Devis: Like those gun manufacturers of yours?

Kenzy: Well, they weren’t as interested in me when you started buying direct. And when you doubled the order, that was one contact I no longer had. You’re boss plays dirty.

Devis: Oh, he’s had some ugly teachers.

Kenzy: Him and me both. And it’s not over yet.

Devis: Is that why you’re going back up there?

Kenzy: Out there.

Devis: Sorry?

Kenzy: We say ‘out there’, not ‘up there.’

Devis: Ah, useful to know. Is that why?

Kenzy: I’m entitled. I can still find a job out there.

Devis: Doing what?

Kenzy: I used to be a pretty good engineer.

Devis: Until you discovered money.

Kenzy: I haven’t been charged with anything.

Devis: Oh, you push it and that’s what he’ll do. Nathan’ll charge you.

Kenzy: I can’t help that.

Devis: You really like it out there, don’t you?

Kenzy: Yes, I really like it out there.

Devis: I can understand that.

Kenzy: It’s got you too, has it?

Devis: (laughs) I’m just enjoying the novelty.

Kenzy: (laughs) It’s more than that. You married, Devis?

Devis: Is this a proposal?

(chime)

Female Voice (over intercom): Ladies and Gentlemen, Pacific Space Lines welcomes you all to the Earth-Moon Shuttle.

Kenzy: Is this an evasion?

Devis: I’m not married at the moment.

Female Voice: Final countdown will begin in twenty minutes.

Kenzy: But you have been.

Devis: Five times. (pauses) Told you I was cuddly.

(both laugh)

Female Voice: In the meantime, drinks will still be served in the main lounge and cakes are still available in sections three, four, and seven...

(SCENE: OUTPOST 9 – CHANDRI’S OFFICE)

Spring: I hope I’m not interrupting your work, Sir.

Chandri: You are a little.

Spring: It’s quite a minor matter, really. There’s an error in your personnel file.

Chandri: You expect me to believe that?

Spring: Well, it is an offense.

Chandri: Of sufficient importance to be dealt with by the commander of the Star Cops?

Spring: We’re not quite up to establishment yet.

Chandri: Why did you really come?

Spring: Why did you develop that laser pistol?

Chandri: My father said it was the cleverest device he’d ever seen.

Spring: It’s impressive. You made it to please your father?

Chandri: He was never pleased.

Spring: They very seldom are.

Chandri: Commander Spring, I have made a momentous discovery. Look. It is of profound significance to the whole of mankind.

Spring: It’s one of your father’s control panels.

Chandri: But do you see it?

Spring: I’m sorry. What am I looking for?

Chandri: The threat!

Spring: I don’t understand.

Chandri: The invisible worm that flies in the night.

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

Female Voice: Passengers are reminded that in a few minutes we will be entering zero gravity. You are requested, for your own safety, to remain in your seats until basic procedures have been fully demonstrated.

(Man gets up and walks to towards the front of the shuttle.)

Devis: Well, there’s a man who can’t wait for demonstrations.

Kenzy: Yeah well, lets hope he knows how to use a weightless toilet. Otherwise, that’ll be one place to avoid for the rest of the flight.

Devis: (laughs) One unsavory passenger, I should think.

(both laugh)

(SCENE: OUTPOST 9 – CHANDRI’S OFFICE)

Chandri: The original concept of the worm program was worked out by Shoch and Hupp fifty years ago or more. Like most brilliant ideas, it was developed and perverted by the military. It became an anti-computer weapon.

Spring: Yes, yes, I know. You let the program loose in the machine. It destroys it.

Chandri: It was like one of those hideous parasites that invade the human brain, rendering it useless and irredeemable.

Spring: Like a virus.

Chandri: Exactly. And like viruses, the worm programs could be made self-replicating, self-defending. They could multiply and spread.

Spring: A machine disease?

Chandri: And a classic arms race. Development, counter-development. Back and forth. More and more powerful. More and more expensive. It reached a sort of stalemate which exists even now within the strategic military computers, only they are defended.

Spring: Leaving all the others open to attack!

Chandri: By a very simple, basic worm program. And here it is. A program chip which sits in the control panel waiting for a code message to activate it. The message is ‘Oh Rose, thou art sick.” It then draws power from the unit, is pulsed down the linking fiber to seek out the main computer, which it kills. And finally it self-destructs with the message, “The invisible worm that flies in the night.”

Spring: That’s incredible. Why are you telling me this?

Chandri: Crimes have been committed. A railway tunnel, a chemical complex. People have been killed.

Spring: Yes, yes. I know. But, to what end?

Chandri: Well, soon perhaps, someone will say, “Do what we tell you or more people will die.”

Spring: How did you find all this out?

Chandri: It was the last thing my intelligent listening system discovered.

Spring: Before the worm program got in and destroyed it.

Chandri: Yes.

Spring: No. Why are we still here? (Both grab for laser pistol on Chandri’s desk.)

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

Female Voice(over intercom): Will passenger Wilberforce report to the flight deck please. Passenger Wilberforce to the flight deck, please.

Devis: What’s the matter?

Kenzy: That’s a security code!

Devis: What is?

Kenzy: Wilberforce.

Devis: Are you sure?

Kenzy: Crime in progress!

Devis: Passenger Wilberforce to the flight deck. God almighty, you know what that sounds like!

Kenzy: Nobody highjacks these things.

Devis: Rich boy makes good again.

(Kenzy gets out a laser pistol.)

Devis: How did you get that on board?

Kenzy: I used my Star Cop ID.

Devis: Well, I’ll take it.

Kenzy: Like hell you will!

Devis: Well, you’ve got no official standing here! (floats half off the floor)

Kenzy: Your standing doesn’t look so great either.

(SCENE: OUTPOST 9 – CHANDRI’S OFFICE)

(Chandri pointing laser pistol at Spring)

Chandri: I suppose you knew all along that the intelligent listening project was a failure.

Spring: That information you gave us was from the military, wasn’t it? They wanted you to find out about that anarchist group as a demonstration of your progress.

Chandri: Yes, but we had made none. I had the briefest hope you might buy us a little time.

Spring: Oh, Chandri, this is ridiculous. Suppose one of your people come in right now.

(Chandri shows Spring a video screen. Everyone else in the outpost is dead.)

Chandri: I had no choice.

Spring: How did you get those chips into the control panels?

Chandri: I told my father’s service engineers it was a, a modification.

Spring: And all this because you’re afraid of failure.

Chandri: But I won’t fail, don’t you see? Already, there are rumors about what happened in the railway tunnel and the chemical plant.

Spring: So they’ve asked you to use your system to check out the conspiracy, right?

Chandri: When my computers are destroyed in an identical way, it will prove they were a success, and at the same time eliminate all evidence of failure.

Spring: Oh, bravo. You’re father must be really proud of you, if he didn’t already know what a pathetic and feeble failure you are!

(Spring grabs for and gets the gun. Chandri hits a button. Alarm goes off.)

Chandri: Every system in this outpost is linked to my computers. When they die...

Spring: Explosive decompression will take this whole place out. Chandri, we’ve got to get out of here!

Chandri: You’re too late, Commander Spring.

Spring: Security computer. Open the main service access lock. Repeat; open the main service access... (Chandri reaches for gun. Gun discharges and Chandri falls)

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

Devis: You know impersonating a police officer is an offence.

Kenzy: How about impersonating a civilian worker with a sick son.

Devis: Nothing illegal in that.

(SCENE: OUTPOST 9)

(Spring puts his spacesuit on)

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

(Devis and Kenzy sneaking a look at the flight deck)

Devis (quietly): Bet the security scanners didn’t look for glass.

Kenzy (quietly): The operatives should.

Devis: Nobody’s perfect. You of all people should know that.

(SCENE: OUTPOST 9)

(Spring tries to leave the base. Door to airlock malfunctions)

Spring: (says something like ‘Come on!’ or ‘You bastard’ Can’t make it out.)

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

Devis (quietly): Right! I’ll make like a punter.

Kenzy (quietly): A what?

Devis: A civilian worker with a sick son. And listen, don’t bother with any of that ‘armed police officer’ bullshit, just take the scumbags out, right? You ready?

Kenzy: Let’s do it!

Devis (loudly): Look, what is going on? I’m dyin’ for a drink, and I’m bustin’ for a pee and some disembodied voice tells me to stay in my seat. And then what happens... Oh! A hostess! (Grabs hostess away from highjacker.)

Kenzy: Police! Freeze! (Fires gun at moving highjacker.)

(SCENE: MOONROVER – INSIDE OUTPOST 9)

(Outer doors stuck are half open>.)

Spring: Oh no! This is Moonrover 7. Open main hatch! God! (Gets out of seat.)

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

Kenzy: Well, get their weapons, Devis.

Devis: Well, thanks a lot, Kenzy! Why didn’t you take ‘em out, like I said?

(Highjacker holds up a glass sphere with something metal inside.)

Kenzy: Move again, and you’re dead.

Devis: Take it easy. Take it easy or we’re all dead!

Kenzy: Christ! They really didn’t scan for glass, did they?

Devis: Give me the bomb, son.

(SCENE: MOONROVER – INSIDE OUTPOST 9)

(Nathan has opened the outer doors.)

Spring: Come on!

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

Kenzy: You heard what he said. Now!(Highjacker throws bomb. Kenzy fires gun.)

(SCENE: MOONROVER – LEAVING OUTPOST 9)

Spring: Come on!!

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

(Kenzy floats alongside the now-floating bomb, and gently catches it.)

(SCENE: MOONROVER)

(Outpost 9 blows up)

Spring: (Takes off helmet and breathes heavily.) Oh, Shit!

(SCENE: EARTH-MOON SHUTTLE)

Devis: You all right?

Kenzy: Oh, mate. I’m better than all right! When the press get hold of this, we’re gonna be heroes. Let’s see that rat bag Spring try and sack me now!

(both laugh)

(SCENE: STAR COP OFFICE – MOONBASE)

Male Announcer: Michael’s Chandri’s younger brother, Sajit, now sole heir to the Chandri millions, said tonight that his father would’ve been very proud of the sacrifice that Michael had made. Investigations continue into the exact nature of the malfunction that caused the destruction of Bankside Chemical Plant. The removal of all Chandri PMC Software...

(Spring and Theroux talking as they walk in.)

Theroux: ...give up at the first sign of difficulty with that intelligent listening process there.

Spring: Sound down.

Theroux: Yeah, at the first hint of failure.

Spring: Well, who the hell knows what father’s do to their sons? Coffee?

Theroux: Baaah. I could buy that as an explanation if his father was still alive.

Spring: Well, that doesn’t stop you trying to please them. (laughs) Just makes it more difficult, that’s all.

Theroux: Well, we’ve all got some kind of monkey on our back, I suppose. (Looks at video screen. Kenzy and Devis are being interviewed.)

Spring: I have nasty feeling I’m looking at mine. Sound up.

Kenzy: Yeah, well apparently they got past launch center security by claiming to be Star Cop recruits. Potential recruits.

Devis: Well, there is a recruiting drive just started, actually.

Kenzy: Yeah, but our commander, Nathan Spring, he’d had a tip-off about a possible highjack attempt, and we’d been detailed to look out for something of the kind.

Theroux: Oooh! She is quick! You’ve got to admit that.

Spring: Incompetent shuttle security! I am left with a corrupt cop!

Kenzy: Shuttle security? (laughs) Oh yeah well, personally I think it’s essential that they should call us in.

Spring: You gonna reinstate her, then?

Spring: Reinstate her? Listen to the bloody woman! She’s reinstating herself!

Kenzy: Command Spring? Yeah, he’s new to the High Frontier, but he’s brilliant. A brilliant detective and a brilliant organizer. Wouldn’t you say so, Colin?

Devis: Oh absolutely, Pal.

Kenzy: And he’s very pleased with the way this whole operation’s gone.

Theroux: (laughs loudly)

(Spring gives him a venomous look.)

(Ending Music)

Posted for reference purposes. Many thanks to Cinderz for kindly giving permission for the use of her transcription.

Copyright of Star Cops and all its associated plots, scripts, etc. are all the property of the BBC and/or Chris Boucher. No copyright infringement intended.