AN INSTINCT FOR MURDER

Written by: Chris Boucher

Cast in order of appearance:
Chief Superintendent Nathan Spring
Brian Lincoln
Senior Traffic Controller
Inspector David Theroux
Inspector Pal Kenzy
'Box'(hand-held computer with voice control)
Commander
Lee Jones
Marie Mueller
Lars Hendvorrsen
Hans Diter

(MUSIC BEGINS) Justin Hayward: "It Won't Be Easy" (Star Cops Theme)


(VARIOUS SCENES OF A SOLITARY MAN BEING DROWNED IN A LAKE BY SCUBA DIVERS, MIXED WITH SIMILAR SCENES IN SPACE DURING A SPACE WALK: A MAN BEING SUFFOCATED IN HIS SPACE SUIT BY OTHER MEN IN SPACE SUITS.)

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING'S APARTMENT-CONVERSATION VIA VIDEO LINK)

Spring: Freeze frame. This drowning Brian, have you reviewed it?

Brian: The post-mortem findings were routine, Sir.

Spring: Have you looked at the tape?

Brian: You want me to take another one?

Spring: Rewind and play.

Brian: You want me to take another look.

Spring: Well, he didn't drown there presumably.

Brian: Well, there's a breeze. He'll likely have drifted.

Spring: Hmmm. What do you think?

Brian: We'll see what the machines say.

Spring: Damn the machines, Brian. What do you say?

Brian: Well there's not much to go on, is there? Well, not yet anyway.

Spring: Not until the machines have run the probabilities, hey?

Brian: Why keep a dog and bark yourself?

Spring: If barking was all we'd given up there'd be no problem.

Brian: So, what do you think?

Spring: What do I think, Brian? I think I want this one investigated, Brian. Whatever the machines say, Brian.

Brian: I thought you were going to say that.....Sir.

(SCENE: SPACE: EUROSTATION CHARLES DE GAULLE)

Controller: You're late! Luckily, so's the midday shuttle.

Theroux: I've been doing my Star Cop routine. There's been another death.

Controller: Hmmm. I saw the report when I came on. "Suit Failure."

Theroux: Yeah, ol' Lenzo Frescotti this time.

Controller: He wasn't a bad bloke, for an Italian.

Theroux: I think it's happening too often. Don't you think so?

Controller: Oh, I leave it to you. Can men of our profession worry about things like that? May even be sacrilegious. . . . Well?

Theroux: "If God did not want 'em sheared He would not have made 'em sheep?" (laughs) Well, it's from The Magnificent Seven, and it's a rule infringement: incomplete speech. Ten bonus points to me.

Female Voice: This is the space station Coral Sea, a development of the Allied Pacific Consortium. How may I help you?

Theroux: Uh, look, connect me with Inspector Pal Kenzy, Star Cop office, will you?

Controller: My opinion is if you're gonna connect with a colleague, connect with a pretty one.

Theroux: She's got a lot of service in.

Controller: That's what I'd heard.

Female Voice: Inspector Pal Kenzy is unavailable at present.

Theroux: God damn it!

Female Voice: Do you have an alternative?

Controller: That you can discuss with the reception computer?

Theroux: Uh, look, put out a general call for her, will you?

Female Voice: I will need authorization.

Theroux: Police authority. Inspector David Theroux, Eurostation Charles De Gaulle.

Female Voice: Processing.

Controller: You really are worried, aren't you?

Theroux: I don't like the way that suit failed.

Controller: Well, I don't imagine Lenzo Frescotti was exactly thrilled, but these things happen, David. It's the law of averages.

Theroux: I don't trust laws that I didn't get to vote for.

(CHIME SOUNDS)

Kenzy: This better be important, Theroux. I had to fold three queens to come to a screen.

Theroux: Death rate from suit failure.

Kenzy: What about it?

Theroux: Well, what are your figures like at the moment?

Kenzy: Are you serious? You interrupt the first winning streak I've had in months to ask me that?

Theroux: Look, some of us are on a losing streak, Kenzy! Are your figures up or down?

Kenzy: Down. They have been for a while.

Theroux: What does your computer make of that?

Kenzy: Nothing. The death rate on moon base and all the orbit stations is constant.

Theroux: Yeah, that's what ours says, but we keep losing people.

Kenzy: You've had another death?

Theroux: Yeah.

Kenzy: (laughs) Well, you win some you lose some.

Theroux: It's a little more permanent than folding three queens.

Kenzy: Same principle though.

Theroux: Look, we're being jerked around, Kenzy.

Kenzy: I doubt that, Theroux. Nobody jerks me around. Hey listen, have you heard anything about that Commander's job yet?

Theroux: Look, I'm not interested.

Kenzy: So you don't know who's on the short list then?

Theroux: Are you?

Kenzy: I didn't even get an interview.

Theroux: Oh, you mean you did apply?

Kenzy: You're damn right I did! I don't do Star Cop duties for love. I do 'em for money, and that job's worth a lot.

Theroux: (laughs) It doesn't pay that well.

Kenzy: Nor am I or most elected officers, but how many poor politicians do you know?

Theroux: (laughs)

Female Voice: Eurostat. Eurostat. This is Euroshuttle Seven.

Theroux: Look, I gotta go. I'm on backup traffic control, and we've got one inbound.

Controller: Euroshuttle Seven, this is Eurostat.

Female Voice: That was quick.

Controller: We aim to please.

Kenzy: Yeah, well listen, if you do hear anything, let me know. Maybe we can pull a few strings.

Theroux: To do what?

Female Voice: Another change of policy.

Controller: I don't think they should use cretins to fly those things.

Female Voice: If God didn't mean us to fly he wouldn't have given us computers.

Kenzy: Wake up, Mate. Suit failure could be the least of your problems if they give us some idiot with slogans where his brains should be.

Controller: You want to check yours now or keep your eyes closed and hope?

Female Voice: Euroshuttle Seven inbound on Green Two. Confirm clear board.

Controller: Euroshuttle Seven, this is Eurostat. We have you inbound on Green Two. Your estimated docking is 12:17.

Female Voice: That's what it says here, alright.

(SCENE SWITCHES TO NATHAN SPRING'S APARTMENT, EARTHSIDE)

Commander (on video link): The problem is, there's no evidence to support you. All the evidence supports the machine's assessment that it was an accidental drowning.

Spring: With respect, Sir, the machine is the evidence.

Commander: Oh come on, Nathan, that isn't true.

Spring: Well, it decides what evidence to accept.

Commander: And I decide what assessment to accept. I'm accepting the machine's. I think you and I should have a meeting, Nathan, in my office as soon as you can get here, right?

(SCREEN OFF)

Spring: Bastard. Box.

Box: Yes, Nathan.

Spring: Book my table at the Lotus Garden, will you?

Box: For two?

Spring: Yes. Contact Lee. Arrange for a time for me to meet her there.

Box: She prefers you to do these things in person.

Spring: Well, be abrupt, she'll never know the difference.

Box: Very well. Processing is under way. . . Processing is under way.

Spring: Yes, yes, I heard you. (looking around)

Box: I'm here Nathan. You were thinking.

Spring: Shut up, Box.

(SCENE: COMMANDER'S OFFICE, EARTHSIDE)

Commander: I can't authorize a full murder inquiry on the face of a computer projection like that.

Spring: The machine's wrong.

Commander: The budget won't stretch to backing your hunches, Chief Superintendent.

Spring: What the hell do you pay me for?

Commander: Well, certainly not to waste your time second-guessing the computer. And particularly not when it comes up with a probability of accidental death that's as close to certain...

Spring: Close as anything the accounts committee could hope for.

Commander: (sighs) What's your caseload at the moment. Anything you, you can't leave?

Spring: Leave?

Commander: For the time being.

Spring: I'm sorry Sir, I don't understand.

Commander: (looking at his wall screen) What do you think? It's new. It was on the expensive side. Well, it had to be tuned to my particular brainwave pattern.

Spring: Oh, I can't see that being very expensive.

Commander: (looks offended)

Spring: The, the technology should be simple enough. What's it for?

Commander: It's supposed to reflect my mood.

Spring: You're feeling bucolic.

Commander: Relaxed. I'm feeling relaxed and happy.

Spring: Oh, I see.

Commander: No, Nathan, I don't think you do. I have some news for you. That job with the International Space Police Force.

Spring: Hasn't that been filled yet?

Commander: I realize, we all realize that you applied for it as a way of testing the water, as a way of finding out what you were worth and reminding us if we needed reminding that you're not ready to settle into the particular niche in which you find yourself. I can understand that.

Spring: It seems reasonable that you should, Sir. It was your suggestion that I apply.

Commander: Was it? I don't remember.

Spring: Oh, yes, yes, you were quite insistent as I recall.

Commander: It was in your best interest.

Spring: So, you do remember.

Commander: I've just been notified. You're on the short list. Congratulations.

Spring: Short list!

Commander: And I shall use all the influence I can muster to insure that you get that job.

Spring: That's very kind of you, Sir, but actually I don't want that job.

Commander: Yes you do, Nathan. Of course you do.

Spring: I'll withdraw my name, straight away.

Commander: Not a good idea. A very bad idea in fact.

Spring: Why?

Commander: Well, in the first place you're the only Brit left. It wouldn't look good to pull out before the final adjudication.

Spring: Well, I didn't realize it was an event in multimedia sport. Tell me, do I wear a sponsor's logo?

Commander: And it carries a rank that you're very unlikely to reach down here. 'Commander, International Space Police Force.' (laughs) Got a certain ring to it.

Spring: Hmmm. Fairly hollow ring given a force of 20 or so part-timers unaffectionately termed 'The Star Cops.'

Commander: That was a cheap journalistic gibe.

Spring: Stuck though, didn't it?

Commander: They need someone like you to shake 'em up.

Spring: Somebody who's never left Earth before?

Commander: Spacemen are ten a penny, Nathan. What they need is a good copper.

Spring: Fine. Why don't you go up there?

Commander: Out there.

Spring: I'm sorry?

Commander: I understand the expression is 'out there', not 'up there.'

Spring: I believe the expression is 'no thank you, Sir.'

Commander: (sighs) Detective Chief Superintendent Spring, you will attend the final round of interviews and tests. You will not withdraw your name. Assuming, of course, that you wish to continue in your present career. (sighs) Do I make myself clear?

Spring: (looking at the wall screen) It would appear so, Sir.

(SCENE: NEAR A LAKE)

Box: Nathan. . . Nathan. . . Time to go, Nathan.

Spring: Mmmm, yeah.

Box: Time to go, Nathan, or you'll have no time for your dinner date with Lee.

Spring: I heard you.

Box: You didn't respond.

Spring: Has Hanson finished his bullion assignment yet?

Box: His report is in your data file.

Spring: What about Langley?

Box: Also awaits further instructions.

Spring: Anything from Lincoln yet?

Box: He has gone to interview the widow, as you instructed.

Spring: Good. Well, let me know when he reports in.

Box: Very well.

Spring: You manage to book my usual table at Lotus Garden?

Box: Yes. There was no difficulty. It is not a popular restaurant.

Spring: You're a cheeky sod, Box.

(SCENE: SPACE: EUROSTATION CHARLES DE GAULLE)

Controller: ISN Gorky this is Control. I have a green board. All systems confirm automatic. I trust all your lads are back on board. Any problems, now's the time to speak up.

Male Voice: No problems control. See you next month.

Controller: Have a nice day, Comrades.

Theroux: You know they hate to be called 'comrade.'

Controller: I thought 'have a nice day' would be an irritating touch too. And while we're on the subject of irritation, I'm getting irritated doing two men's jobs for one man's money.

Theroux: This is important.

Controller: I wouldn't mind if it was something really important, like sex. It's covering for your secret life of illicit detection that I object to.

Theroux: Oh, so you took it out on the Russians, huh?

Controller: Hmmm, not especially no, I'm just reminding them what good old-fashioned capitalism is all about.

Theroux: All right, I'll buy.

Controller: The customer's right to be gratuitously amusing.

Theroux: Hmmmm. Mustn't be nice to the backpack servicemen.

Controller: I should think not. Besides which, their stuff seems to have been a little less than totally reliable recently.

Theroux: Huh! This lots seems OK so far.

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING'S APARTMENT: EARTHSIDE)

Lincoln: Well, she wasn't exactly grief-stricken, but if that was a crime half the widows of the world would be under arrest.

Spring: And two-thirds of the widowers.

Lincoln: Close the file and get on with something else then.

Spring: What was the reaction when you turned up at the house.

Lincoln: Well, she was surprised. Said she didn't think we made house calls anymore. It was embarrassing really.

Spring: Why?

Lincoln: Well, because we don't!

Spring: Brian, you can't tell they're sweating unless you can smell they're sweating.

Lincoln: I was the one who was sweating.

Spring: What about the fellow?

Lincoln: Who?

Spring: The drowned man, Brian, the drowned man.

Lincoln: He had a very strict routine. He never varied, apparently. Everything to a timetable.

Spring: Well no wonder she wasn't grief-stricken.

Lincoln: (affirmative grunt)

Spring: What about the house?

Lincoln: What about it?

Spring: Any sign of the husband?

Lincoln: I'm sorry?

Spring: Well, he must have left some mark on the place as well as on the woman. I mean, was he a big eater? Was he a drunk? Was he a sportsman?

Lincoln: He was a collector. Antique timepieces. The widow seemed to think that was rather appropriate. Must have had a lot of nice stuff once.

Spring: Once?

Lincoln: There were a couple of empty display cases. They looked as though they had those little clockwork pocket watches in there one time. You know the sort of thing people used to wear them...

Spring: Well, why were they empty?

Lincoln: I don't know.

Spring: Find out, will you?

Lincoln: I thought this case was supposed to be closed.

Spring: Oh, listen - you'll need to speak to the partner as well.

Lincoln: Didn't the commander..

Spring: Yes, just get on with it, Brian, will you?

Lincoln: ...but if the commander finds out about this I'll lose my neck!

Spring: Just do as you're told. Screen off.

(SCENE: LOTUS GARDEN RESTAURANT)

Jones: Well, why do you think the man was murdered?

Spring: Huh! Maybe because the machine thinks he wasn't.

Jones: That's not very rational.

Spring: Well, the beginning needn't be rational, just so long as the end is.

Jones: You know it's starting to sound as though you're selling instinct the way your dad used to sell computers.

Spring: You mean 'because' my dad used to sell computers.

Jones: The Freud of the Fortune Cookie, that's me.

Spring: No, I always remember what he used to say about the old chess computers. He reckoned anyone could beat them if they grabbed the simple notion that the machine could never resist a deliberate sacrifice. Your food OK?

Jones: I don't like this restaurant much.

Spring: Well, you never said.

Jones: It's not important. What are you gonna do about the case?

Spring: I've already done it. I've assigned Brian Lincoln.

Jones: Against orders?

Spring: Do I care?

Jones: Yes, Love, you do.

Spring: You know, I really thought you liked this place. So much for instinct.

Jones: I was talking about professional instinct.

Spring: Is there a difference.

Jones: You say it's just a policeman I've been sleeping with all these years?

Spring: You thought I bought those handcuffs especially? (laughs)

Jones: I turned down the promotion today.

Spring: You've definitely made your mind up then.

Jones: I was under the impression we both had.

Spring: Well, did I get a formal caution?

Jones: What?

Spring: It's just a joke.

Jones: Your timing's all to hell love. Are you trying to tell me you've changed your mind? You're not ready for the homemaking bit yet? Is that what this is all about?

Spring: Is this what 'what' is all about?

Jones: If were going to have a family, Nathan, it's got to be soon.

Spring: Can't we finish eating first?

Jones: Not funny.

Spring: I just thought if we're not coming back here...

(SCENE: EUROSTATION CHARLES DE GAULLE)

Theroux: Well they all look good to me. Complete blank.

Controller (on audio link): Do you have any idea what you're looking for?

Theroux: Not really.

Controller: Oh, damn it!

Theroux: Ah, that's a dollar you owe the fund!

Controller: That doesn't count.

Theroux: It's floating loose.

Controller: How do you know?

Theroux: 'Cause you always say 'damn it' when you let something go.

Controller: Do you know what I miss?

Theroux: Eating with a knife and fork.

Controller: Ever get the feeling we've been out here too long?

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING'S INTERVIEW VIA CONFERENCE VIDEO LINKS)

Mueller: Chief Superintendent, you've been a policeman for 22 years. You've reached your present rank faster than you would have done in any other force. What do you put this down to?

Spring: Caution?

Mueller: You're cautious?

Spring: No Ma'am, it would appear the other forces are.

Hendvorrsen: A realistic attitude. Unfortunately it is something the development programs sadly lack. Don't you agree, Chief Superintendent?

Spring: Oh, I always try to be agreeable, Sir.

Mueller: Representative Hendvorrsen's contribution has always owed more to political ambition than to realism.

Hendvorrsen: Unlike you, Frau Mueller, I was elected to office.

Mueller: It is fortunate that the Russians and the Americans declined to be heard here or we might never finish our business. May we proceed?

Hendvorrsen: Tell me, Chief Superintendent Spring, how do you feel about the waste of resources the endeavor represents?

Spring: The Star Cops?

Hendvorrsen: No, space exploration.

Spring: Oh. Yes, well I suppose it is rather expensive if all we're gonna be is tourists. But then where the hell else to send the man whose been everywhere?

Hendvorrsen: It is the last great adventure. The problem is that at the moment it is administered by fools, charlatans, and rogues.

Spring: Well, my concern is with the rogues, Sir. The fools and the charlatans I leave to your profession.

Mueller: Very good! The acclimatization trials. Do you have any preference about which space station to visit?

Spring: Anything within commuting distance of London?

Mueller: The German candidate has indicated the European station would be a logical choice.

Spring: Well, I wouldn't presume to argue with German logic, Ma'am.

Mueller: Out there, you get very few chances to make mistakes. How would you view that?

Spring: With unbounded enthusiasm.

Mueller: I shall make the necessary arrangements, Chief Superintendent. And in the meantime I suggest you pay serious attention to the astronaut training. It is intended to fit you for a hostile environment.

Spring: I'll try to remember that.

Mueller: (aside) May we have the Tokyo link please? (to Spring) Thank you, Chief Superintendent.(screen truns off)

Spring: Some days, try as you will nothing goes wrong.

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING; ASTRONAUT TRAINING FACILITY - CENTRIFUGE)

Lincoln: I heard you were off to the wild blue yonder. I envy you.

Spring (buckling himself into centrifuge seat): Yeah? I wish I shared the general enthusiasm.

Lincoln: Oh, the last great adventure?

Spring: (laughs) Well, there's a just a little too much emphasis on the word 'last' for my taste.

Lincoln: (laughs) You want me to go in your place?

Spring: No! No, you might be too enthusiastic; end up getting me the job. Well...

Lincoln: You really don't want it?

Spring: I always preferred Sherlock Holmes to Dan Dare.

Spring (from inside centrifuge): So what did you find out from the dead man's partner?

Lincoln (from outside centrifuge on voice link): He leant the wife some money.

Spring: The computer could have told you that.

Lincoln: In cash.

Spring: An illegal transaction?

Lincoln: Black market time piece he reckoned, for the husband's birthday.

Spring: Did you check it?

Lincoln: She paid the money back.

Spring: Damn.

Female Voice: Chief Superintendent Spring, please desist from conversation.

Spring: Have you ever noticed that medical computers speak the language particularly badly?

Lincoln: (laughs) I'd better go. We don't want to upset it.

Spring: It's just a machine.

Lincoln: It's probably got a nasty way of checking the results it's not sure of.

Spring: It's just prescribing pre-flight medication. Now what could be so terrible about checking that?

Lincoln: So, can I close the file now?

Spring: The answer has got to be at that lake. (voice strained as centrifuge speeds up)

Lincoln: You know, sooner or later someone's gonna find out I'm investigating a crime that probably didn't happen.

Spring: The man was murdered. You get back to the lake and get me the proof.

Female Voice: Please give a subjective indication of the level of your nausea.

Spring: (breathing heavy) Most of it's in my lap.

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING; ASTRONAUT TRAINING FACILITY - UNDERWATER)

Male Voice: Language like that doesn't help anybody, Mr. Spring.

Spring: It helps me.

Male Voice: Not in the long run, Sir. Why don't we just try it again.

Spring: Why don't you just . . . wait a minute while I try it again?

Male Voice: Out there, remember, you could fry and freeze or boil to mush.

Spring: Is it necessary to drown me as well?

(SCENE: BRIAN LINCOLN AT LAKE - SPOTS MAN WALKING DOG)

Stewardess: Is there anything I can get you chief superintendent?

Spring: Are we beyond parachute range?


Stewardess: I'm afraid so sir.

(SCENE: SPACE: EUROSTATION CHARLES DE GAULLE)

Theroux: And that's the police office, not a whole lot of privacy I'm afraid.

Diter: Do all the station's provide these then?

Theroux: It's part of the agreement which set up the force. (someone allows a clipboard to float around the cabin) Ah, the real trick is to be able to fly and chew gum at the same time. Otherwise you're fined a dollar.

Spring: This job could end up costing you money.

Theroux: Can't afford disorder in this kind of environment.

Spring: Not at those prices certainly.

Diter: Can you get direct communication with Earth?

Theroux: Via the station traffic center.

Spring: Not direct then?

Theroux: Everything's routed through there. You, uh, want to take a look?

Spring: (laughs) Well, yes, I paid for the 10-cent tour. I wouldn't want to miss anything. Besides, there are probably bonus points for vomiting in the traffic center.

Controller: More tourists?

Theroux: This is the communications and traffic control center. I spend most of my duty time here.

Diter: This is where the crime is to be found perhaps.

Controller: Oh, we do our best to be entertaining. Especially as we seem to have developed into a sort of weightless theme park.

Spring: Yes, well I'm as happy to be here as you are to see me, believe me.

Controller: Oh, don't tell me the romance of space has passed you by.

Spring: Faster than a speeding bullet.

Theroux: The Chief Superintendent is sick to his stomach.

Controller: Well, if it's any comfort, it doesn't get any worse.

Spring: Hah! It's no comfort.

Controller: Pity the same problem hasn't afflicted our visiting VIP.

Diter: VIP?

Controller: A once warm and wonderful human being, no doubt. Emotionally crippled by a lifetime of thrashing himself with wet birch twigs.

Spring: Oh! Hendvorrsen.

Theroux: Oh, you've met him, I can tell.

Spring: Well, not in the flesh.

Controller: I've had the pleasure.

Spring: Is he serious?

Diter: You'll find his grasp of the subject exciting.

Spring: I find nausea and disorientation enough excitement for the moment, thank you.

Controller: European Parliamentary Representative Lars Hendvorrsen. Self-made zillionaire, self-appointed guardian of the public purse and all-around nice guy surpasses them effortlessly.

Theroux: Translated that means he doesn't much like the way we do things here.

Controller: My opinion is they made a mistake with his heart transplant and gave him an armpit.

Theroux: Just because they gave him your lousy sleeping quarters.

Controller: You know he plans to go float-about.

Theroux: Jesus!

Spring: How dangerous is it?

Controller: Depends on the training you've had. Right now the possibilities of a disastrous fiasco look distinctly promising.

Theroux: Oh, come on! Not even on a losing streak.

Controller: Speaking personally, I wouldn't want to bet my life on that.

Diter: Is there a particular problem at the moment?

Spring: Obviously. What is it?

Controller: The backpacks. They're the working parts of the space suit. They provide the air, they control the temperature, the waste elimination, the mobility jets...

Diter: Yeah, if you think of the space suit itself as keeping you in and the vacuum out, the backpack does everything else.

Controller: Exactly. Except that lately, ours don't.

Spring: Meaning?

Theroux: People die.

Controller: Oh, it's no mystery. I keep telling David it's no mystery. Backpacks need regular servicing, the Russians do it.

Spring: For everyone?

Controller: Yes. It's a big business.

Theroux: And getting bigger all the time.

Controller: And that's the problem. They're starting to have trouble coping.

Spring: (looks at Theroux) You don't think so.

Theroux: Look, I think there's more to it than that. Something wrong with the way our computer's responding to what's happening. It's just a feeling I have.

Spring: You should watch those feelings, you know. They can get you into trouble professionally.

(SCENE: SPACE STATION - NATHAN SPRING RECEIVING RECORDED VIDEO MESSAGE FROM BRAIN LINCOLN)

Lincoln: So, based on what the dog owner told me about the victim's little swim.

Theroux: Morning. Oh, sorry.

Spring: No, it's all right, come in, come in.

Theroux: Coffee?

Spring: No thanks.

Lincoln: I've checked the probable timings, and you were right. There is an anomaly. Now, according to the computer, the body couldn't have drifted to where it was found. And on the day of his death our dog owner never got to the lake.

(something is said here can'tmake it out)

Lincoln: He was helping some stranger who got lost. It could have been a diversion, I suppose.

Theroux: (laughs) Must've been.

Spring: (laughs) Unless there are a lot of coincidences.

Lincoln: I still don't understand why the body would have been left in the shallows. Report ends.

Spring: I would have thought that was obvious.

Theroux: Not to me it isn't.

Spring: Still, well done, Brian. So, what's on offer for our last day?

Theroux: Ah, a rare treat! The last great adventure. The all singing, all dancing Lars Hendvorrsen float-by.

Spring: (laughs, then pauses) You're not expecting me to go out with him are you?

Theroux: (laughs) Hell no! But I thought you might like to watch.

Spring: Oh yes, I'd love to.

(SPRING AND THEROUX MOVE TOWARDS THE TRAFFIC CENTER)

Theroux: Why was that body left in the shallows, huh?

Spring: Well, I'm assuming that it was professional hit, and the major element was to the need to fool us. That meant they had to fool our computer.

Theroux: I don't see the connection.

Spring: Well, in a hostile environment, the machine is preconditioned to expect accidents.

Theroux: Well, by the law of averages people get killed.

Spring: Uh, huh. That going for you, you set it up so the death must appear as an accident and be close enough for the machine to rule out any further investigation.

Theroux: Look, I know the clue is there somewhere, but I'm afraid I missed it.

Spring: Yeah, well, it's quite simple if you start by assuming that you know you're looking murder. So, with the body, what you've got is an accident, but without the body what you have is a disappearance.

Theroux: Well, you would've investigated a disappearance.

Spring: Exactly, it's that simple.

Controller: Are we talking about Hendvorrsen?

Spring: And that deadly.

Controller: We are talking about Hendvorrsen.

Theroux: All right, smart-ass, are they out yet?

Controller: They're on the move now.

Theroux: Uh, fifteen minutes to maximum. Better warn them.

Controller: Francois this is control. You have fifteen on my mark.

Male Voice: Merci, Control.

Theroux: Who's your murderer then?

Spring: Who paid for it you mean? Well that's the big question

Controller: Mr. Hendvorrsen, did you copy that? Mr. Hendvorrsen, in fifteen minutes or less you must begin the return trip to the hatch. This is control. Acknowledge please.

(Spring and Theroux are talking in background. Unintelligible.)

Theroux: Jesus, not again!

Controller: Hendvorrsen! Hendvorrsen! This is control! Respond please! Come on you silly bastard I thought you were supposed to be checked out on this.

Spring: What happened?

Theroux: I think it's a suit failure. Looks like he's out of oxygen. Blue Alert! Blue Alert!

(ALARM SOUNDS)

Controller: Francois this is Control. Get to Hendvorrsen as fast as you can.

Theroux: Main resuscitation team to EVA lock and stand by please.

Controller: We think he might be in trouble. (aside) Five'll get you ten he's dead.

Spring: Then we're all in trouble.

Controller: Hendvorrsen! Hendvorrsen! This is control! Respond please!

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING ON SHUTTLE TO EARTH - WATCHING TELEVISION NEWS REPORT)

Male Announcer: ...Euro-hearing controversy over cause of the tragic death of this popular politician is bound to add questions about the safety and administration of the European space program, and indeed space exploitation in general. The Trade and Aid pact with the Soviets will probably be an immediate casualty. As of now, the whole future of the ESL in particular could be said to be hanging on a knife-edge.

Spring: Balancing on a knife-edge for Christ's sake!

Male Announcer: Meantime for the Star Cops, those much-criticized lawmen on the new frontier, help is at hand. Career detective Nathan Spring, a 41-year-old Englishman, is to take over the investigation of the Lars Hendvorrsen tragedy. He has total backing to do whatever it takes to get results, and informed sources interpret this as meaning he is going to quote/unquote kick ass.

Spring: What?!?

(SCENE: COMMANDER'S OFFICE - EARTHSIDE)

Commander: It was a completely unauthorized statement.

Spring: So, issue a denial!

Commander: Listen, Nathan, this Hendvorrsen thing is a problem.

Spring: Yes, I know. I was there.

Commander: Which is what makes you the obvious person to investigate.

Spring: Well, what about the other fellow? He was there as well, you know!

Commander: He'll get his chance. If you fail, he's next in line.

Spring: How come I'm head of the queue?

Commander: Just lucky I suppose.

Spring: (sighs) If I turn it down?

Commander: It'll look bad on your record.

Spring: Almost as bad as if I screw it up!

Commander: Worse.

Spring: (looks at the wall behind the commander) What happened to the screen?

Commander: Nothing. It's on manual override, that's all.

Spring: Oh, manual override, yes. Of course it was a bit like having a wall-sized lie detector.

(SCENE: SPACE: EUROSTATION CHARLES DE GAULLE)

Theroux: That son of a bitch!

Controller: One-word clues don't count. Give me the year, the star, and the director.

Theroux: Take a look at this.

Controller: "Report to Detective Chief Superintendent Spring." (draws breath) Looks like that newscast was right. It's bum-kicking time and you're out.

Theroux: Yeah, why me?

Controller: You're the cop on the spot.

Theroux: Thanks.

Controller: Oh, listen, I won't say I told you so, but you heard it here first, remember.

Theroux: I don't see how I can be held responsible for what happened to Hendvorrsen.

Controller: Spring looks like a hard man to me. He's the sort who'll knock all your teeth out and then kick you in the stomach for mumbling. (pauses) The long goodbye?

Theroux: Big Sleep.

Controller: You sure? Long goodbye's more appropriate.

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRINGS APARTMENT - SPRING IS INSPECTING A SPACE SUIT WHILE THEROUX WATCHES)

Spring: Any connection between the deaths apart from the extreme environment?

Theroux: Look, the computer couldn't find one.

Spring: No, except that they were suit failures, hmm?

Theroux: You can get all of this from the ESL computer, you know.

Spring: I don't want it from the computer, Inspector, I want it from you. What about the other stations.

Theroux: They have failures.

Spring: As many?

Theroux: Some do, some don't. Look, year on year, the statistic doesn't change. Overall the percentage of suits that develop failures is constant.

Spring: Well, that's how the computer sees it. What about the people?

Theroux: I beg your pardon.

Spring: Christ, man, I'd find it hard to be philosophical about the failure rate, however constant that might be, if my life depended upon this.

Theroux: Oh, there was some pressure brought a few years back. The Russians undertook to improve the quality control standards.

Spring: Uh huh. And?

Theroux: And you can't make any system perfect.

Spring: No. In fact, the failure rate remained constant didn't it, if not very slightly worse. What was the reaction then?

Theroux: That the purchasing people were probably on the take.

Spring: Corrupt officials accepting substandard equipment?

Theroux: Yep.

Spring: But no one complained?

Theroux: Who the hell were they gonna complain to?

Spring: You.

Theroux: Me?!? (laughs) You're not serious.

Spring: Well, that is what the police are normally for.

Theroux: Yeah, but were not normal police, are we?

Spring: No, you're paid more for one thing.

Theroux: I see. Look, how long are you gonna poke around in that thing looking for clues, huh? Should I play boy-detective too or do I just watch? I mean, I wanna give value for money.

Spring: I'm not looking for clues. This is part of my training.

Theroux: Look I'm sorry, but I thought I was gonna get blamed.

Spring: Coffee?

Theroux: I don't know what I thought.

Spring: What's an American flight engineer doing on a European station?

Theroux: Just trying to make a living.

Spring: (laughs) Where there's living there's policemen, eh Inspector Theroux? One of nature's rules. Box.

Box: Yes?

Spring: Have you accessed that Russian data I asked for?

Box: Playback is available.

Spring: Right then. (to Theroux) You resigned from the American space program.

Theroux: Did I? This is standard issue with your outfit? (referring to Box)

Spring: Not on our budget.

Theroux: Well, then how do you come by something as expensive as this?

Spring: I'm a wealthy executive. Look at these figures. Now if they're accurate then that failure rate should be zero near as, damn it!

Theroux: But it's not. Two percent of those suits develop faults the same as they've always done, and people are killed.

Spring: Only two percent. Well it's ironic if they've reduced it enough to let someone stage accidents wherever they choose without alarming the computers.

Theroux: You think that someone could be killing people to make it look as though the suits are failing. Why, for Christ sakes.

(SCENE: RESTAURANT - NATHAN SPRING AND LEE JONES)

Jones: To get the servicing contract away from the Russians. Is it profitable?

Spring: Could be.

Jones: Especially if the right palms are greased in the purchasing department.

Spring: You know, it's never really occurred to me before, but is that how you do your purchasing?

Jones: You tend not to get propositioned when they know you're with a policeman.

(both laugh)

Jones: Murder for profit.

Spring: Yeah, and no reason to stop until the Russians lose the contract.

Jones: Oh. Have you thought it could be political too?

Spring: What, a crusader for capitalism?

Jones: Or someone with shares in the confrontation commodities. There's money in wars, even cold ones.

Spring: Yeah.

Jones: Is your food all right?

Spring: Yeah, terrific. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Lee I, I look, I am sorry. I, I forgot to tell Box that you hate this place. Forgive me, I really am very sorry!

Jones: You haven't said what you brought me here to say. You've put it off long enough, Nathan.

Spring: (sighs) You haven't asked me about the Hendvorrsen case.

Jones: I didn't see why I should make it easy for you.

Spring: Well look Lee, the reason I've been assigned, you see, why...

Jones: I tried to call you while you were out there. You made the short list.

Spring: Yes.

Jones: Seems everyone knew except me.

Spring: I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you.

Box: Nathan. Nathan.

Jones: It's a lousy basis for a relationship, Love.

Spring: Yes, Box.

Box: The item you asked me to watch for is on WNB now.

Spring: There didn't seem to be any point. (to waitress) Excuse me, could I have WNB in here please. (to Lee Jones) I mean, I had no intention of getting the job. I still haven't.

Jones: And the case?

Spring: (to waitress) Excuse me! Now, please, it's important. (to Lee Jones) Look, I can't turn it down. If I do, my job is on the line.

WNB Announcer: The Soviets have reviewed this and issued a statement to the fact that the technician has been identified and returned to Earth to await trial.

Jones: We have a more immediate problem. Do I move out of my place and move in with your or not?

WNB Announcer: She was the one responsible for servicing the spacesuit which Lars Hendvorrsen was wearing when he died. She has been charged with murder by negligence, which is a capital offense. And we have it from a reliable source that if found guilty, she will be executed.

Jones: The Russians certainly want to keep their contract, don't they?

Spring: Yes.

WNB Announcer: This is WN..

Spring: (to waitress) Thank you. (to Lee Jones) I have to go.

Jones: Well, you better take care. Whoever it is could easily kill an interfering Star Cop. Especially one who doesn't know what he's doing out there.

Spring: I am not a Star Cop!

Jones: Slip of the tongue.

Spring: I am a fully trained spaceman though.

(both laugh)

Jones: Imagine! And I knew you when you were sick in express lifts and giddy on ladders.

Spring: Oh, don't! (laughs) Oh, dear. I'm sorry. What was it you were saying before?

Jones: Nothing. It doesn't matter.

Spring: Look, I shan't be gone long.

Jones: No?

Spring: This doesn't change anything.

Jones: No. I realize that now.

Spring: Now you're being enigmatic, Lee. You know I hate it when you are enigmatic. Do you want me to resign? I could resign.

Jones: Oh, be serious, Nathan.

Spring: I have to go!

Jones: You've said that already.

Spring: Lee.

Jones: Don't look down, Love.

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING SPACE-WALKING WITH DAVID THEROUX)

Theroux: Still sick?

Spring: Oh no, no. I always go this color when I'm having fun.

Theroux: You should've been on that medication for at least a week before we came outside.

Spring: We haven't got a week.

Controller: No, you've got fifteen minutes from my mark. Do you copy, coppers?

Theroux: Copy, Control.

Controller: Mark.

Theroux: Do you really think they'll execute that Russian girl?

Spring: Well, of course they'll execute her. How else do they reestablish their bona fides?

Controller: Where would we be without the profit motive?

Theroux: Uh, this is supposed to be a private conversation.

Controller: Nothing's private from your friendly neighborhood traffic controller.

(SCENE: INSIDE EUROSTATION CHARLES DE GAULLE)

Spring: Box, I want you to run a triple-A personnel base data check on this and every other station.

Box: All personnel?

Spring: No exceptions. I want to know if anyone has any connection with any corporation involved in spacesuit technology or sensitive strategic material. Also look for connections with extreme right-wing political groups and anyone in the purchasing agencies. Now that's, that's any connection, however tenuous.

Box: Very well.

Theroux: Well, isn't that clutching at straws a bit?

Spring: (laughs) Possibly. I also want to know where everyone was at the time of each death, let's say over the last 12 months.

Box: Very well.

Theroux: Why the computer's done that already. It's a totally routine procedure.

Spring: Oh, the computer did what it always does. Treated each death individually.

Theroux: Yeah.

Spring: Well, it asked where everyone was on the station where the death occurred. It didn't ask where everyone else was on every other station.

Theroux: Yeah, but you can't just walk from one station to another.

Spring: Well, there's plenty of orbit vehicles around. Are you telling me they're never used unofficially?

Theroux: Oh, but they're easily spotted though.

Spring: Well, that's good. That should make our job easier. Box.

Box: Yes, Nathan.

Spring: I want you to put the investigation readouts on the Star Cop consoles on all stations. Make sure they're aware of it.

Box: Very well.

Spring: Maybe they'll come up with some ideas of their own.

Theroux: None of the other office are any more private than this one, you know.

Spring: Well?

Theroux: Well look, if you don't care who knows, Nathan, why don't you just announce it?

Spring: (breathing unevenly) People tend to take more notice of things they find out for themselves.

Theroux: I think you're gonna be surprised at just how fast they do that, and maybe how upset they get about it.

Spring: (voice strained) Well, the odd surprise is no bad thing. I think I'm gonna throw up.

(SCENE: CONTROL CENTER)

Controller: What the hell does your man imagine he's doing?

Theroux: You're not supposed to be looking at that.

Controller: If he wanted it secret, he should've coded it.

Theroux: Ah, you prefer a small challenge, huh? Look, it's just a data check to see how good our security systems are.

Controller: You always have such a smooth explanation.

Theroux: Well, what do you want me to do, learn to stutter?

Controller: I don't like it David, it's gonna cause trouble.

Theroux: So what else it new?

Controller: You are in a bad mood this morning.

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING somewhere on the space station)

Spring: Well, run the data again using the redefinitions. Keep tightening them and running it until you can give me something more manageable to work on.

Box: Do you want to define 'manageable?'

Spring: No more than twenty suspects.

Box: It will be a long an unreliable process.

Spring: I know, Box. That's what life tends to be.

(SCENE; NATHAN SPRING AND DAVID THEROUX in a hallway on the space station>

Spring: Everything ready, Inspector?

Theroux: Yes.

Spring: (sighs) What a pity.

Theroux: Look, Nathan. Look, I know you’ve announced to all and sundry that today’s the day you go solo, but I have to tell you you’re not ready.

Spring: Well, it’s now or never.

Theroux: There’s no shame in delaying it for a while.

Spring: Not for you maybe.

Theroux: Oh, he’s very young and very proud.

Spring: Yeah. The graveyards are full of kids who were very young and very proud. Magnificent Seven? Well, what’s the matter? You thought you were the only person who ever saw a movie? Remember ‘Superman?’ (Spring flies weightless down the corridor.)

Theroux: Do you remember ‘Dead Fall?’

Spring: Relax. I know all the procedures backwards.

Theroux: Yeah, well that’s a quick way to get killed.

Spring: And I intend taking it very, very carefully.

Theroux: And very alone.

(SCENE: NATHAN SPRING SPACE WALKING, DAVID THEROUX IN TRAFFIC CENTER)

Spring: Can you hear me now?

Theroux: Yes, Nathan. Are you ready to leave the airlock?

Spring: (breathing heavily) Opening it now. Listen, David, whilst I’m out there if you should notice anybody else, you give me plenty of warning. I’d just as soon avoid company.

Controller: What the hell’s all that about?

Theroux: I’m not sure.

Spring: Did you get that David? Did you get that David?

Theroux: Yes, Nathan. Look, don’t you worry about other people, you just concentrate on getting it right, huh?

Spring: Now, you do as I ask. I need backup not advice.

Controller: Sounds a bit panicky, do you want me to take over?

Theroux: No.

Controller: I’m the senior traffic controller for the station.

Theroux: Look, I can handle it, huh? (to Spring) OK, Nathan, there’s nobody near you. What’s the view like, huh?

Spring: Oh, oh impressive. Made it Ma, on top of the world.

Controller: He’s a movie buff, you didn’t tell me he was a movie buff!

Theroux: Look, I only just found out myself!

Controller: It’s funny. I never thought of them as people.

Theroux: I beg your pardon.

Controller: (can’t make it out - ‘obviously the party type’ is the best I can guess...doesn’t fit)

Theroux: Nothing’s private from your friendly neighborhood traffic controller.

Controller: Is that a quote?

Theroux: That’s what you said.

Controller: What movie?

Theroux: How about 'The Innocent American?'

Controller: Is that a movie?

Theroux: You had to have known!

Controller: Known what?

Theroux: A good traffic controller doesn’t miss a thing in his sector. Whatever they came in they couldn’t have gotten past you.

Controller: Absolutely, nobody gets past me. Now who exactly are we talking about?

(VIEW OF SPRING SPACE WALKING - MEN IN SPACESUITS APPROACHING HIM)

Theroux: You couldn’t have done that, could you? You couldn’t have turned your back while someone was killed.

Spring: David, I’m on the construction zone. Is the scope still clear?

Theroux: Jesus Christ! Where did they come from?!? Nathan, there’s two com...

Controller (points gun at Theroux): There should be the perfect quote for this.

Theroux: I don’t believe that.

Controller: Sorry. ‘A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do?’

Theroux: It’s from ‘Shane’ but I don’t know what the next line is, and we were friends.

Controller: (laughs) No, that wasn’t the next line.

Theroux: You can’t use that in here.

Controller: Reduced muzzle velocity, I can.

Theroux: You sure?

Controller: What have I got to lose?

Theroux: Why don’t you find out?

Controller: They’ve jammed his radio. Just leaves you and me to talk.

(CONTROLLER AND THEROUX MOVE TOWARDS AIRLOCK)

Theroux: Nobody’s gonna believe another accident.

Controller: The computer will. It’s high-risk time when you’re learning out there.

Theroux: What about me?

Controller: In a little while, you’re going to attempt a heroic rescue.

Theroux: And I’m gonna make a mistake.

Controller: Mmm. A fatal mistake.

Theroux: God, I don’t understand how you can be so calculating about it all.

Controller: Actually, I don’t understand it either. When I first started taking money to look the other way I thought they were just smuggling. Then when people started getting killed I realized they weren’t. It was too late by then.

Theroux: Did you kill Hendvorrsen?

Controller: Not exactly.

Theroux: Either you did or you didn’t.

Controller: What can I tell you? A faulty suit was provided. I made the necessary substitution. It needn’t have been Hendvorrsen. It could’ve been any one of them. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy though, could it?

Theroux: You’re a murderer, man!

Controller: Yes, I suppose I am. Shall we?

Theroux: You don’t seriously imagine that I’m going get suited up and go out there for your friends to kill me, do you?

Controller: Would you prefer I killed you?

(MAN IN SPACE SUIT HITS CONTROLLER FROM OVERHEAD)

Theroux: Oh! Son of a bitch, you scared me to death! What are you doing in there?

Spring: I suppose this is gonna cost me another dollar, is it?

(VIEW OF TWO MEN IN SPACE SUITS FLOATING LIFELESSLY IN SPACE)

Theroux: You took both of them out with a medical laser?

Spring: It was enough to puncture their suits.

Theroux: You were deliberately trying to flush them out.

(SCENE: TRAFFIC OFFICE)

Spring: Well, if I’d told you, what difference would it have made?

Theroux: You could have trusted me, that’s all.

Spring: Well, I know that now.

Box: Time to go, Nathan.

Theroux: Where did you get Box?

Spring: (laughs) All right, all right. He was present from my father. He was in the business. Mind you, even with his contacts, you know, I could never work out how he could afford it. I could never think of a graceful way of asking, either.

Theroux: Ah! Hey, here it is! Screen two, sound.

Male Announcer: The off-Earth inquiries into Representative Hendvorrsen’s death have been swiftly followed up down here in the real world, and three senior executives of Pan-Contel, the Dallas based multinational, have been arrested on charges of conspiracy.

Spring: I never did get used to this. (referring to negative gravity)

Male Announcer: A Wall Street analyst confirmed to us tonight that Pan-Contel is one of the companies that does prosper at times of international tension.

Spring: (laughs) Look, I’d better go.

Male Announcer: A spokesman for the corporation denied both this and the rumor that they have been lobbying for contracts currently held by eastern-bloc countries.

Theroux: That’s it? We solve an international murder, and that’s all we get?

Spring: Yeah, that’s the way it goes. Listen, thanks for your help.

Theroux: Anytime.

Male Announcer: Meantime Chief Superintendent Nathan Spring, the detective who broke the case, is being strongly tipped as the new commander of the Star Cops.

(SCENE: COMMANDER’S OFFICE - EARTHSIDE)

Spring: Another unauthorized statement.

Commander: You shouldn’t have done so spectacularly well. After that, who the hell else were they going to offer the job to?

Spring: I don’t want that job.

Commander: Well, you’ll need a pretty solid reason for turning it down.

Spring: Personal commitments.

Commander: (laughs) You’re a little young to retire, but it that’s your preference.

Spring: My preference is to keep the job I’ve got.

Commander: The job you had.

Spring: Well, you’ll need a fairly solid reason for firing me.

Commander: You know it was Brian Lincoln who solved that drowning case. It was the wife. She paid to have her husband killed using borrowed cash. She then sold some antique watches of his to pay back the money she’d borrowed.

Spring: Really?

Commander: Covered her tracks pretty well, but not from Lincoln who went on with the case despite my orders to you and yours to him.

Spring: Listen, if you’re thinking of firing Lincoln, let me tell...

Commander: No! Good God no. I’ve promoted him. He’s my new Nathan Spring.

Spring: Which leaves me nowhere to go. At least nowhereelse to go.

Commander: Computer management has an opening, I believe, but that’s a bit of a backwater.

Spring: Have you ever been in space, Gerard?

Commander: No.

Spring: It’ll be my pleasure to invite you for a visit sometime. I’ll try to make sure you get a reliable backpack.

Commander: There’s a rumor the Russians have already executed that girl, the one who serviced Hendvorrsen’s backpack. Of course, they’re not too ready to admit it now. You ruined their publicity. The American’s aren’t exactly overjoyed with you either.

Spring: Well, it seems reasonable. Hard to tell them apart anyway.

Commander: You don’t believe that.

Spring: Why not? Same ends, same means, same victims. What’s the difference?

Commander: The head of an international police force ought to be able to see the difference.

Spring: Yes, he should, shouldn’t he? Maybe they’ve chosen the wrong man for the job.

(ENDING MUSIC)

Posted for reference purposes. Many thanks to Cinderz for kindly giving permission for the use of her transcription.

Copyright of Star Cops and all its associated plots, scripts, etc. are all the property of the BBC and/or Chris Boucher. No copyright infringement intended.