Trivial Games and Paranoid Pursuits

Written by: Chris Boucher

Cast in order of appearance:
Lauter
Marty
Reception Graphic
Odele Goodman
Lennox
Inspector Pal Kenzy
Chief Superintendent David Theroux
Commander Nathan Spring
Commander Griffin
Alexander Krivenko
‘Box’(sort of hand-held computer with voice control)
Inspector Colin Devis

(MUSIC BEGINS) Justin Hayward: "It Won't Be Easy" (Star Cops Theme)


(SCENE: A SPACE STATION MODULE WITH OMZ 13 STENCILLED ON IT SPINS IN SPACE)

Lauter: I knew the salvage game would pay off one day. Look at the size of that thing!

(Space shuttle approaches module)

Marty: Can we stop it tumbling.

Lauter: Hell yes.

Marty: Safely I mean.

Lauter: And get in the hold. What about the heading?

(View of the shuttle control deck)

Marty: The computer confirms it. Zone path D9436 axis 24. That trajectory will drop it into the sun.

Lauter: Pay day Love.

Marty: You think so!

Lauter: We’ve got them three ways to Christmas.

Marty: What!

Lauter: Well either its a screw up in which case someone wants it back or when can haul it back for scrap.

Marty: It’s not on our list of runaways and anyway the scrap value is probably not worth the fuel.

Lauter: And last but not a long way short of least there’s the hazard to navigation premium.

Marty: It’s probably a long way short of navigation too all those commercial flights into the sun. Is that what you’ve got in mind? I mean they’re really going to pay us top rate for getting that thing out of their way.

Lauter: Marty dear heart, we’re not going to tell them exactly where we picked it up now are we?

(VARIOUS SCENES OF AN AMERICAN SUBURB ZOOMING ONTO A HOUSE WITH A SATELITE DISH TO a WOMAN INSIDE A HOUSE SAT IN FRONT OF A COMMUNICATIONS CONSOLE)

Graphic: This is the United States space station Ronald Reagan. How may we help you?

Odele Goodman: Connect me with section OMZ-13.

Graphic: I’m sorry there is no such section.

Odele Goodman: Are you sure? Never mind. Just connect me with Dr. Goodman.

Graphic: I’m sorry there’s no Dr Goodman at this station.

Odele Goodman: Dr Harvey Goodman?

Graphic: I’m sorry.

Odele Goodman: That’s nonsense. Dr Harvey Goodman has been working on the station for the last 9 months.

Graphic: There is no listing for a Dr Harvey Goodman.

Odele Goodman: Transfer me to a human being.

Graphic: The information I have given you has been checked and is correct.

Odele Goodman: God damn it. I don’t want to talk to a PR graphic. Connect me with a human being, NOW.

Lennox: I’m Pete Lennox how can I help you?

Odele Goodman: There’s some sort of computer foul up.

Lennox: Listen Ma’am if it has to do with salary allocation I’m going to have to ask you to be patient.

Odele Goodman: No it’s nothing like that.

Lennox: Ah well maybe I can help.

Odele Goodman: I’m trying to get contact Dr Harvey Goodman. Your communications computer can’t find the listing.

Lennox: I’ll cross check it for you. No.

Odele Goodman: What do you mean no.

Lennox: No reference to arrival, departure, allocation of resources, nothing.

Odele Goodman: He has to be there.

Lennox: Lady you cannot come and go in these places without at least one of the machines picking up on the fact.

Odele Goodman: It’s some sort of a mistake. It has to be.

Lennox: Well do you have a section form, a designated work area?

Odele Goodman: OMZ-13

Lennox: A module. We don’t have a Z 13. We don’t have any outer modules designated 13. It’s a very unlucky number you know. Are you sure that you’ve got the right station?

Odele Goodman: You think I don’t know where my own brother works?

Lennox: Well I can only tell you Ma’am that he doesn’t work here.

Odele Goodman: Alright, Mr Lennox. Thank you.

Lennox: You’re welcome Ma’am. Good day to you.

(SCENE: MODULE BEING BROUGHT INTO HOLD OF SHUTTLE CRAFT)

Marty: Lauter, how much longer is it going to take you to secure that bloody thing?

Lauter: Marty sweetness if you can do it faster, get suited up and get out here. Unless you want me to pressurise the hold of course.

Marty: Only if you found a way to give up breathing for the rest of the trip.

Lauter: Did your mother tell you there would me women like me.

Marty: She didn’t anything about crooked salvage deals.

Lauter: Sometimes I wonder if you sincerely want to be rich; Marty my love.

(SCENE: STAR COP OFFICE – MOONBASE)

Kenzy: Right now someone somewhere is committing a crime.

Theroux: What, some friend of yours?

Kenzy: Oh that’s very funny.

Theroux: Listen I’m going to the reception for the new base co-ordinator. I’ll be a couple of hours.

Kenzy: Are you going to ask how come they sent him up from Earth; instead of nominating one of their moonbase people.

Theroux: No, it’s not against the rules.

Kenzy: Well it’s against customary practice and the Russians never do anything without a reason.

Theroux: Who does?

Kenzy: A subtle reason.

Theroux: Well look if it’s another bid for world domination their hardly likely to admit it over the fruit juice and Soya snacks are they? Any messages you know where to find me.

Kenzy: Look I’m supposed to be a hero not a receptionist and filling clerk.

Theroux: Ohh you’ve been playing back those press conference tapes again.

Kenzy: Yeah well maybe I should give another and tell the world how our beloved leader is treating the saviour of the moon shuttle.

Theroux: What you mean bent cop reinstated praises tolerance of boss. That the sort of thing you had in mind?

Kenzy: Smart ass.

Theroux: Mmmm Chief Superintendent smart ass unless you want to go the same way as Kirk Hubble.

Kenzy: Hubble was gutless as well and witless.

Theroux: Smart enough to recognize a losing hand when his was dealt one.

Kenzy: Meaning I’m not?

Theroux: I don’t know are you?

Kenzy: I’ll play these.

Theroux: Now I had a feeling you weren’t.

Kenzy: Listen, no one pushes me into resigning.

Theroux: I’m impressed.

Kenzy: And in charge. Huh. And there was me thinking the good commander had no sense of humour.

Theroux: Where you’re concerned Kenzy he doesn’t.

Kenzy: Oh unlike you. You think it’s all a big joke don’t you?

Theroux: Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn. But you are unique I’ve got to admit that. Yeees. You’re absolutely the first person I’ve ever met who enjoyed filling so much she wanted to spend the entire rest of her life doing it. Screen erase.

Kenzy: Oh, chuckle, chuckle. If there’s one thing I need in my life to make it truly complete it’s a witty Chief Superintendent. Oh to hell with it. Screen on.

Spring: Yes Kenzy.

Kenzy: I wanted to warn you that I intend to resign sir.

Spring: Fine get a hard copy sign it, put it on my workstation. Screen off.

Kenzy: Reconnect. You didn’t give me time to finish commander. What I was going to say is that I intend to resign unless you give me something more interesting to do.

Spring: Fine get a hard copy sign it, put it on my workstation.

Kenzy: So you do still intend to get rid of me.

Spring: I just don’t want you to have any illusions about your future in the Star Cops.

Kenzy: I made a lot of good publicity out of what could have been a lot of bad publicity. That doesn’t that count for anything?

Spring: That’s right that doesn’t that count for anything. Public relations is not your job.

Kenzy: What exactly is my job, sitting here taking messages?

Spring: Yes.

Kenzy: You know this is constructive dismissal don’t you? I think the press might find your attitude very interesting.

Spring: And I think the press are about as reliable as you are.

Kenzy: I’m not resigning sir.

Spring: And just about as consistent. Well is that it Kenzy or did you just call me up to play musical resignations?

Kenzy: Your ETA on Ronald Reagan.

Pilot: 2350

Spring: You knew that already.

Kenzy: I was just checking sir. Any further orders?

Spring: Yes I don’t want any damn fool calls when I’m talking to the Americans I’m going to have enough problems as it is.

Kenzy: You don’t want me to call you at work dear.

Spring: Don’t push it Kenzy.

Kenzy: What’ll you do, ruin my career?

Spring: What career? Screen off.

(SCENE: SHUTTLE APPROACHING THE RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Controller: Approach confirmed red vector 7 docking outer lock 34.

Spring: Much further out and we’d be back at the main shuttle transfer.

Controller: Pardon me.

Spring: Red vector 7 docking outer lock 34 thank you.

(SCENE: RONALD REAGAN - COMMANDERS OFFICE)

Lennox: The star cops shuttle’s just docking commander are we going to meet him in here?

Griffin: Hell no. I’ve just finished for the day.

Lennox: Do you want me to wait and guide him out to the living quarters?

Griffin: He’s a detective isn’t he? Let he find his own way. Lennox Laugh.

(SCENE: RONALD REAGAN - INTERIOR)

Spring: Follow the yellow brick road. [Heavy breathing] Ooh Jesus.

Voice: You are now leaving a weightless area. You are now leaving a weightless area. You are now leaving a weightless area. You are now approaching artificial gravity. You are now approaching artificial gravity.

(SCENE: SUITING CHAMBER - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Lennox: Commander Spring. Pete Lennox

Spring: Hello Mr Lennox

Lennox: You didn’t get lost then?

Spring: Did you expect me to?

Lennox: Well it’s a pretty big station. If you care to follow me.

(SCENE: RECREATION ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Griffin: Welcome to the Ronald Reagan Commander Spring.

Spring: Commander Griffin.

Griffin: I’m sorry I wasn’t at the airlock to greet you personally.

Spring: Oh no need to apologise I can see you're busy.

Griffin: Has Pete set up the 10 cent tour yet?

Lennox: Not yet sir. I’m was waiting for clearance from some of the contractors. I’ll get on it. If you’ll excuse me.

Griffin: A few of our clients are a little nervous about who sees what they’re working on.

Spring: No need to frighten them on my account.

Griffin: We do have a high profile multi use station here. But one of the things we not able to cope with is tourists.

Spring: No problem I didn’t bring any.

Griffin: Especially foreign tourists.

Spring: Yes these Germans they do get everywhere don’t they.

Griffin: Do you play this game?

Spring: Not since I joined the star cops no.

Griffin: That was a pretty dumb move from what I heard.

Spring: Giving up pool?

Griffin: I can understand you not wanting to talk about it.

Spring: On the contrary sir, star cops is what I’m here to talk about.

Griffin: Oh yeah. So er, how do you like our little set up?

Spring: Impressive. Gravity makes all the difference.

Griffin: It’s the nature of the beast. We have the best of both worlds here. Work areas are weightless of course but the rest, recreation, living quarters

Spring: Best of an almost world

Griffin: (Laughs) Still think like a groundsider er?

Spring: Yes, it is the nature of the beast. What is the gravity here?

Griffin: Oh it’s about one third gee varies a tad sometimes.

Spring: Doesn’t that throw your game?

Griffin: Tables self regulating.

Lennox: Sir, she’s on the circuit again.

Griffin: Not now Pete.

Lennox: She very insistent.

Spring: Don’t let me interrupt you work.

Griffin: I don’t plan to commander. I’ll be right back.

Spring: Alright box how’s this table work

Box: The table generates an electromagnetic field which the modified balls react to. The system is balanced by an analog computer.

Spring: Alright. Give me an edge.

(SCENE: COMMANDER'S ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Odele Goodman: Something fishy is going on up there and I don’t like it.

Griffin: I don’t know what else I can tell Miss Goodman.

Odele Goodman: You can tell me where my brother is that’s what else you can tell me. And never mind signalling your goddamn henchman.

Griffin: My what?

Odele Goodman: I know what you’re doing.

Griffin: We’ve never heard of your brother. My, henchman, has been through the records from the time this station was first commissioned.

Odele Goodman: And what does that prove.

Griffin: Well it proves Ma’am that he’s never been on the administrative staff, he’s never leased a work module. There has never been a Harvey Goodman here.

Odele Goodman: You’re be telling me next there’s never been a Harvey Goodman.

Griffin: Ma’am I do sympathise with your situation.

Odele Goodman: Yeah the hell you do.

Griffin: But you’re going to have to excuse me.

Odele Goodman: What kind of a fool do you take me for? You think I’m playing games here.

Griffin: Screen off.

(SCENE: RECREATION ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Griffin: Sorry about that. Some woman keeps pestering us. She’s not too tightly wrapped, you know what I mean, not playing with a full deck.

Spring: Well if it’s a problem maybe we can deal with it for you.

Griffin: Hell no, she’s an American.

Spring: Yes of course. Well I thought I’d just make the offer.

Griffin: Nice try commander. So do you play this game?

Spring: I do now.

Griffin: Its computer controlled of course.

Spring: Well my old man said the trouble with computers is that they provide the solutions before there are the problems.

Griffin: This table makes playing just like it would be in a 1 gee environment. Just like home.

Spring: How cosy.

Misses

Griffin: Damm.

Spring: Bad luck.

Griffin: It does have other applications

Spring: Pinball? Red, top right.

Griffin: Very popular with our people you shouldn’t underestimate the importance of that.

Spring: Oh I don’t especially as I’m not, popular with your people I mean. Top left. Since I sacked Inspector Hubble your state department can’t make its mind up whether I’m the Anti Christ or just anti American.

Griffin: Same thing.

Spring: Yes. Centre pocket.

Griffin: Hubble was an American national working for an American company.

Spring: No he was a star cop working for me. Top left.

Griffin: You had no right to fire him without consultation.

Spring: We didn’t fire him and we did consult him. He resigned.

Griffin: Like Richard Nixon.

Spring: [Laughs] Yes that’s right. Top right.

Griffin: He may have been a son of a bitch but he was our son of a bitch.

Spring: My country right or wrong eh?

Griffin: There are worse philosophies.

Spring: Yes, most of them begin with that. Centre pocket.

Griffin: You and Theroux should be getting on real well.

Spring: Why do you say that?

Griffin: Your second on command is a little short on patriotism.

Spring: I knew there was something about that fellow I liked.

Griffin: Did you know he was a student radical.

Spring: Weren’t we all?

Griffin: No.

Spring: Oh, well if you’re not radical as a kid where is there to go in your reactionary old age.

Griffin: Not on our space program that’s for damn sure.

Spring: Your loss maybe.

Griffin: I don’t think so.

Spring: He’s turning into rather a good copper.

Griffin: I preferred Hubble.

Spring: Hubble wasn’t even a good crook. Top left.

Griffin: This tables really running for you isn’t it?

Spring: Hhmm

Griffin: What do you mean he wasn’t a good crook?

Spring: Well the stupid bastard got caught. I mean if you’re going to pay someone off it’s best to make sure his bright enough to make it worth your while.

Griffin: Somebody paid him off. Why in hell would anyone want to do anything like that?

Spring: To keep his mouth shut I should imagine.

Griffin: You don’t know.

Spring: No. Black top right.

Griffin: You’re the first person to beat me at this. I hate to be beaten.

Spring: Maybe you should choose your game more carefully.

Griffin: Or my opponent.

(SCENE: STAR COP OFFICE – MOONBASE)

Krivenko: You are inspector Kenzy, Pal Kenzy? I’ve seen your news conference. I have read of your bravery. I am Alexander Krivenko I look forward to meeting you.

Kenzy: Well I’m very pleased to meet you sir.

Krivenko: It has long been my view that popular entertainment has trivialised courage to the point where we no longer value it as we should.

Kenzy: I can’t argue with that. I’m certainly undervalued.

Krivenko: Most people who come out here are. Are they not David?

Theroux: Well some more than others.

Krivenko: Everywhere there is a criminal element in all societies. This one, is no different.

Theroux: Well where there’s living there’s police men.

Kenzy: The gospel according to Nathan Spring.

Krivenko: Ah, yes you said Commander Spring was?

Theroux: Away working sir.

Kenzy: On the American station.

Krivenko: There’s a problem with your countrymen.

Theroux: No sir, no problem just a routine meeting.

Krivenko: I see. So a routine meeting with the Americans is more important than a first meeting with me.

Theroux: Well sir it’s not entirely routine there’s a small problem about putting star cops on the American stations.

Kenzy: They won’t let us.

Krivenko: I’m teasing David. Tell me when a crime occurs how do you set about solving it?

Theroux: Well I guess that would…

Devis: That would depend on the crime.

Theroux: Inspector Colin Devis Dr Alexander Krivenko. Dr Krivenko is our new…

Devis: Our new moon base co-ordinator. Yes I know. And a new spaceman too I think.

Krivenko: I have worked in the field of space medicine for many years.

Devis: Yeah, yeah. But you’ve never been out here before.

Krivenko: I have come late to it. You have yourself, have you not?

Devis: You know about my background?

Krivenko: As you know mine.

Theroux: Yes so like Colin said sir it would depend upon the crime.

Krivenko: Yes let us take a hypothetical example, kidnapping.

Devis: For ransom?

Krivenko: For politics.

Theroux: That’s not a very common crime out here for any reason.

Krivenko: That’s why I chose it.

Theroux: Well I suppose we need to discover the purpose behind the crime.

Devis: Oh not necessarily. A crime is a crime.

Krivenko: In the case of a kidnapping the purpose would be obvious.

Theroux: Yes if the kidnapping was accompanied by a demand.

Krivenko: Well let us assume a kidnapping with a demand for money. What is your first move?

Kenzy: Saved by the bell.

Krivenko: Perhaps this will be a real crime.

Kenzy: Screen 2 on. Star Cop headquarters, can I help you?

Odele Goodman: My name is Dilly, Odele Goodman, and I’m calling from earth. I want to report the disappearance of my brother.

Kenzy: Oh, look we have very limited power to deal with runaways.

Odele Goodman: I’m sorry.

Kenzy: Well your brother’s disappeared from home, you think he’s runaway to space is that it? How old is he?

Odele Goodman: How old is he?

Kenzy: I mean have you checked with the Earth side authorities? A lot of these kids don’t make it out here you know?

Odele Goodman: What is it with you people? You are so God dammed patronising. Is it because I’m a, what do you call it … a groundsider or is it just because I’m a woman?

Kenzy: I’m sorry. I was only trying to help.

Odele Goodman: My brother is 47 years old. He’s a scientist and he’s vanished from the space station where he was working.

Kenzy: Well what do they say about it?

Odele Goodman: The guys I talked to they said he was never there. They seem to think I was some kind of a moron.

Kenzy: Ok what station was this?

Odele Goodman: The Ronald Reagan.

Krivenko: Now I can see your method of working at first hand.

Kenzy: That’s the main American station (continues to obtain details)

Devis: Lucky you were here Doctor Krivenko.

Krivenko: Yes, yes indeed.

Devis: And with a hypothetical example all ready for testing. A disappearance you said.

Krivenko: No, I said a kidnapping.

Devis: Maybe that’s what this is.

(SCENE: SPACE SHUTTLE)

Lauter: I’ve just had a terrific dream about what’s in that thing.

Marty: And?

Lauter: We made enough out of it to buy a nice little business back on Earth.

Marty: Oh yeah, what sort?

Lauter: Agri business.

Marty: Agri, we don’t know anything about farming.

Lauter: We weren’t born knowing anything about the scrap salvage business.

Marty: No we spent years learning it.

Lauter: A little house, roses around the door. Chickens scratching around the yard.

Marty: Years of grafting and we still can’t make a straight living.

Lauter: Oh stop moaning.

Marty: Well can we?

Lauter: We make a living.

Marty: This you call living. Anyway I said a straight living.

Lauter: You really are a guilt ridden little soul aren’t you?

Marty: Well it’s no fun winning if you have to cheat.

Lauter: Winnings not supposed to be fun sweetie. It’s just something we have to do. It’s something we’re going to do in a big way.

Marty: Yeah, yeah, chickens round the door, roses scratching in the yard.

Lauter: I’ve got a feeling, a definite feeling.

Marty: So, what was in this dream tell me more about it.

Lauter: I don’t know. All I know is it was the end of all our problems.

(SCENE: COMMANDER'S ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Griffin: [Singing]Why don’t you come too, yeah.

Spring: Good morning, oh forgive me.

Griffin: Oh hey, I’m sorry. We were supposed to start the tour about now weren’t we?

Spring: No sweat.

Griffin: I forgot how precise you Brits are about these things. Have a cup of coffee make yourself comfortable.

Spring: Thanks.

Griffin: Did you sleep well?

Spring: Yes. Yes thank you. Gravity does make all the difference. I shall never get used to sleeping weightless.

Griffin: Well we got a couple of guys working on that problem right now.

Spring: Government research?

Griffin: Hell, no. They’re both from pharmaceutical houses. They’re probably duplicating each others research. But what the hell, they’ve got the funding.

Spring: Don’t you have any government research?

Griffin: Oh there’s some funding. Oh, say what’s the story on this Russian of yours?

Spring: Which Russian would that be?

Griffin: Krivenko.

Spring: When did he get to be my Russian?

Griffin: Well you got his predecessor fired.

Spring: He was a murderer, possible murderer.

Griffin: So you got the Russian his job.

Spring: It was there turn.

Griffin: Yeah, but you got it for them early. They’re in place two years early.

Spring: Does it matter?

Griffin: Hell it matters. We weren’t ready.

Spring: I’m sorry what were you planning, a tickertape parade?

Griffin: Oh they were ready though weren’t they. They had a guy trained and waiting back on earth.

Spring: Krivenko is a senior academician. He’s the noble prize winner for medicine. It is mainly due to his work that you and I can come and go from space without any major bone damage.

Griffin: You got to hand it to them bastards. When they give a guy deep cover they really do a job huh.

Spring: You think he’s a spy?

Griffin: Oh that a crude word. They’re cleverer than that.

Spring: You think I’m a spy?

Griffin: I think you’ve been used.

Spring: In other words I’m more stupid than that.

Griffin: Well, you Europeans have always been naïve where those Russians are concerned.

Spring: Possibly, so what is this government research that you do?

Griffin: Huh?

(Ding)

Spring: Saved by the bell.

Griffin: Yeah.

Lennox: There’s a circuit open for Commander Spring.

Griffin: Well I’ll give you a little privacy.

Spring: No need.

Griffin: I’ll be in the mess room when you’re ready. I heard from the State Department. They turned you down flat.

Spring: Oh, I can’t even replace Hubble then?

Griffin: Sorry.

Spring: I can see that.

Griffin: What did you expect er?

(Exits, door shuts.)

Spring: So much for the allies. Box.

Box: Yes Nathan.

Spring: Are there any concealed computer terminals in this room?

Box: No.

Spring: Damm it.

Box: This is merely a primary communications console.

Spring: Commander Nathan Spring open circuit. David, what are you still doing there?

Theroux: Hi, How’s it going?

Spring: Well it’s not going to be as easy as cheating at pool. Listen, aren’t you meant to be Earthside interviewing recruits?

Theroux: Yeah, I’m leaving anytime now. Look there’s been a small problem come up since you’ve been away.

Spring: Yes what is it?

Theroux: It’s not really something I can talk about over an open circuit.

Spring: Well my mind reading is a little rusty David.

Theroux: Oh caught you at a bad moment huh?

Spring: Get on with it.

Theroux: You seem a bit tense Nathan. They’re not making you sleep in a weightless unit are they?

Spring: Just what exactly is it that you want David?

Theroux: Kenzy is on her way to you.

Spring: She’s what?

Theroux: She’s done all the preliminary work on the case. She’s got all the details.

Spring: What case? What details?

Theroux: She’ll explain it all to you when she gets there.

Spring: Listen this had better be important enough to justify sending that bloody woman here. I thought I made it quite clear she does not leave that desk.

Theroux: You also made it clear that I was running things in your absence.

Spring: That woman is a menace.

Theroux: I think the case could be too Nathan. I think there maybe some political problems.

Spring: Oh well in that case Kenzy is perfect casting.

Theroux: Believe me she’ll be less of an embarrassment than I would be. You got to trust me on this.

Spring: From here my recruitment policy is beginning to look a little eccentric.

Theroux: Nathan I think what we are seeing is a definite game plan. Our problem is we don’t know who is going to the play.

Griffin: Didi, that’s it, that’s it. You’ve got to learn your football. (Laughter)

Lennox: Commander Spring, good morning.

Spring: Good morning.

Griffin: You ready for your little goodbye tour now? Laughter

Lennox: If you’ll excuse me.

Spring: Tell me, did the state department explain why they turned us down?

Griffin: They are quote not in favour of international policing unquote.

Spring: Oh, well they were at the beginning, until they looked up the word international and found out it didn’t just me Americans abroad.

Griffin: Well I did warn you. Why should the United States government support an organisation that is basically anti American.

Spring: The star cops is basically anti crime, nothing else.

Griffin: We can handle our own crime.

Spring: Supposing I should prove you can’t.

Griffin: It’ll never happen.

Spring: Are you a gambling man Commander.

Griffin: It goes with the territory. If you don’t know that you don’t know anything about the people that come out here.

Spring: Ever play cards with Hubble?

Griffin: I may have.

Spring: Well don’t you remember?

Griffin: Can’t say that I do. I play poker with a lot of guys.

Spring: Hubble must have been a pretty remarkable player though.

Griffin: Oh yeah, really.

Spring: How else do you explain how he took so much money off of people so regularly?

Griffin: There you go again.

Spring: You a good poker player commander?

Griffin: I know when to ride my luck. How about you?

(SCENE: RECREATION ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Spring: I don’t know, this still sounds to me like some excuse for you to get your arse out of that office.

Kenzy: You’re the one who says to look for anomalies. Well you couldn’t have a more glaring one than that could you?

Spring: She says he’s missing. You can’t find any evidence that he ever existed.

Kenzy: He has no social welfare or security ID number. No birth, marriage or death registration. No credit classification, no transport licences. No passport number or security ID, no medical, educational or military certification.

Spring: Has she?

Kenzy: I ran a check on her and Harvey Goodman is listed as her next of kin. But that’s the only place he is listed.

Spring: Oh what does that prove?

Kenzy: Well not very much at this stage but don’t you find it suspicious?

Spring: What exactly do you think this woman is up to?

Kenzy: I don’t know exactly but I think she might be an agent provocateur.

Spring: Oh I see or rather I don’t see. Have you checked with the people here?

Kenzy: No. If someone is trying to stir up trouble with the Yanks, that’ll play straight into their hands.

Spring: Who would want to do that? As if I didn’t know.

Kenzy: The Russian was there when the call came through. He even predicted it.

Spring: Oh, that was clever of him wasn’t it, to avoid suspicion like that.

Kenzy: It’s arrogance. He couldn’t resist playing games with us.

Spring: What did this Goodman woman say her brother was?

Kenzy: A microbiologist, said he graduated from Caltech and did a postgrad at MIT.

Spring: But there’s no record of it on their computers.

Kenzy: According to their computers no one called Goodman was ever at either one.

Spring: Over what period?

Kenzy: Ever, or as far back as the computer records go.

Spring: Have you checked the odds on that?

Kenzy: What for?

Spring: Goodman isn’t particularly an unusual name.

Kenzy: I suppose not, so?

Spring: Kenzy you strike me as several things but not stupid is not one of them. Of all the thousands and thousands of students who have ever attended Caltech and MIT…

Kenzy: There should have been at least one Goodman at some time. The records have been got at.

Spring: Possibly, if someone wanted to do a fast, dirty job.

Kenzy: They’d erase all references to the name Goodman and trust on no one spotting it.

Spring: Who’d be in a position to do that?

Kenzy: I’m sorry. I should have thought of that.

Spring: Yes, you should have.

Kenzy: I said I’m sorry.

Spring: Oh well that makes everything alright. Now according to the sister Goodman was a microbiologist working here. Alright where?

Kenzy: Where?

Spring: The people who use this station do so on what the Americans are pleased to call a say and pay basis. They say what work they plan to do and then pay for the right to do it in some appropriate part.

Kenzy: They hire a room?

Spring: Roughly speaking.

Kenzy: Well, roughly speaking, the room he was supposed to have hired is called outer module Z13. But what’s more important is that this sister claims she was told that module doesn’t even exist.

Spring: Does it?

Kenzy: Well, I don’t know yet?

Spring: Kenzy were you planning to check any of the facts in this case?

Kenzy: Do you find being perfect a problem sir?

Spring: I find being patient a problem Kenzy.

Kenzy: Well Theroux is going to interview Miss Goodman, when he’s back on earth recruiting.

Spring: Oh, that’s always a very good first move.

Kenzy: I’m glad we did something right.

Spring: Too late to be of any use to this investigation and no use at all to you out here.

Kenzy: On a scale of 1 to 10 score minus 3. Or is that being over generous?

Spring: It depends on your next move and what you find out as a result. Come on lets have some coffee. I’ll introduce you to John Wayne.

(SCENE: STAR COP OFFICE – MOONBASE)

Devis: Move. Move on.

Krivenko: Have you found out anything yet?

Devis: I’m sorry sir; I’m afraid Chief Superintendent Theroux just left. You missed him by a matter of minutes.

Krivenko: It’s no matter I’m just interested in the case.

Devis: Screen off.

Krivenko: Must I take it you have found out nothing so far?

Devis: I personally have found out that the moon is not made out of green cheese and that Father Christmas don’t live on the dark side.

Krivenko: Now you’re teasing me.

Devis: There is something to be said for seeing for yourself.

Krivenko: This has always been my philosophy too. Unfortunately it is not always possible.

Devis: Well some societies make it more possible than others.

Krivenko: I think you overestimate the differences my dear Colin. Come now what progress have you made with our case?

Devis: Forgive me, my dear Alexander but this is not our case. It is, our case.

Krivenko: Why are you so unfriendly?

Devis: Maybe because you’re not.

Krivenko: Have you always been so paranoid?

Devis: Have you always been so nosey?

Krivenko: Curiosity is what makes me scientist.

Devis: Suspicion is what makes me a policeman.

Krivenko: Then we have nothing to say to each other.

Devis: I think that just about says it all. Screen on

(SCENE: RECREATION ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Griffin: Well, well what have we here?

Spring: Oh, commander

Kenzy: Wayne?

Spring: Griffin.

Spring: This is inspector Pal Kenzy.

Kenzy: I’m delighted to make your acquaintance sir.

Griffin: Pleased to meet you. Have you shown your pretty assistant our pool table yet commander?

Kenzy: I’m not very good on pool tables sir.

Griffin: I’m a little bit too much of a gentleman to make the obvious comment.

Kenzy: But not to think it.

Griffin: Well a man’s thoughts are his own.

Kenzy: Only if he keeps them to himself, sir.

Griffin: I think I’m in love.

Kenzy: Can I ask you a question sir?

Griffin: Anything. You know I’m a great believer that communication between people is enhanced by direct tactile contact.

Kenzy: Mmhh. Is that why you’re keeping quiet is it sir? You don’t want him holding your hand in front of all these people.

Spring: Perhaps that’s where I’ve been making my mistake. Is that why we disagree commander, lack of tactile contact?

Griffin: I don’t think that’s going to be a problem between you and me now is it?

Spring: You taking odds?

Kenzy: Supposing I wanted to hire a room?

Griffin: Oh you can share mine.

Kenzy: Supposing I was a microbiologist and I wanted to hire a room. Where would I go?

Griffin: Somewhere else.

Spring: You got something against microbiologists?

Griffin: Well there’s a directive. No research involving protozoans, bacteria, none of that stuff. You see we leave those dirty games to the Russians.

Spring: What about medical research?

Griffin: Well, how do you tell the difference, huh?

Spring: A blanket ban then, the good and the bad?

Griffin: That’s right. Where that stuff’s concerned when you got no place else to go you keep it the hell away. It’s just too God damn dangerous. Now pretty lady what do you say I show you the pool table and it’s more orthodox uses.

Kenzy: Sure.

Griffin: How about you commander Spring?

Spring: No thanks I think I’ll catch up on some sleep.

Griffin: Right. Accept no substitutes pool is the real American game.

(SCENE: SPACE SHUTTLE)

Lauter: Let’s take a look at that module; see what we’ve got.

Marty: That would be daft.

Lauter: Give me one good reason.

Marty: Suppose it’s explosive.

Lauter: We’re compromise. We’re stick the video probe into the vision socket and see what we can see.

Marty: Nothing. No light.

Lauter: We’re use the self illuminating probe.

Marty: Too dim.

Lauter: I want to see what’s in there.

(SCENE: COMMANDER'S ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Spring: Are any of these designated for any particularly dangerous research projects? Crosscheck Doctor Harvey Goodman. Box, are there any security codes which I don’t have?

Box: The codes you are using will access all data to which the station commander has access from this terminal.

Spring: You didn’t miss any?

Box: Is that a question?

Spring: Crosscheck, police investigation Inspector Kirk Hubble.

Spring: If I could do that I wouldn’t be taking all these bloody stupid risks. Screen off.

Kenzy: Commander…commander.

Spring: Screen on.

Kenzy: I’m sorry did I startle you?

Spring: You’re supposed to be keeping our host occupied.

Kenzy: There’s only so many questions you can ask about the stupid game.

Spring: Yes I’m having the same problem.

Kenzy: He wandered off. I thought I’d better come and warn you.

Spring: Keep your eye on the hatch.

Kenzy: Have you found what you’re looking for?

Spring: No, whatever it was that Hubble had over your friend the Commander there’s no clue to it in the databanks.

Kenzy: Since when did he get to be my friend?

Spring: Sigh

Kenzy: And what about my missing bug specialist, is he imaginary or not?

Spring: I’m working on it.

(SCENE: SPACE SHUTTLE)

Lauter: Anything?

Marty: Just black and noise.

Lauter: Concentrate.

Marty: It’s no substitute for light.

Lauter: Is that any better?

Marty: Still nothing. I’m not happy about your suit telemetry Lauter.

Lauter: Stop fussing Marty.

Marty: I just don’t like the risk you’re taking.

Lauter: That the best I can do.

Marty: Still nothing. Look stop wasting suit air and luck and get back in here.

(SCENE: COMMANDER'S ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Kenzy: Still nothing.

Spring: Nothing, lets get out of here.

Kenzy: Someone’s coming. Screen off.

Spring: Oh that was very clever.

Kenzy: Sorry.

Spring: Lights up. Can’t you do anything bloody right?

Kenzy: Obviously not. Would you get your hand off my leg?

Spring: I am not touching your leg.

Spring: Kenzy: So much for tactile contact.

Spring: We understand each other perfectly well without it.

Kenzy: It was an honest mistake.

Spring: That must be a first for you.

Kenzy: Cheap shot.

Spring: Yes it was; I’m sorry. Let’s get out of here. Kenzy: I was all geared up expecting someone to be there.

Spring: Lights off.

Box: Nathan, I am still activated.

(SCENE: INTERIOR OF HOUSE GOODMAN MADE CALL FROM)

Theroux: Miss Goodman.

Miss Goodman. Is anybody home?

Miss Goodman.

Aaaargh

Devis: Star cops.

Griffin: It’s getting away from us Pete.

Lennox: Without the woman they can’t prove a thing.

Griffin: Supposing they find her?

Lennox: They’re not that good.

Griffin: I think this guy Spring is. I think he knows I paid off Hubble. I think he knows it all.

Lennox: He’s bluffing.

Griffin: How you going to explain bouncing that tree trunk off his man’s skull.

Lennox: I thought he was an intruder.

Griffin: Huh that’s real convincing.

Lennox: He has no business here.

Griffin: And you do?

Lennox: I had the keys from the realtor. I’m thinking of buying the house.

Griffin: From Goodman’s missing sister?

Lennox: So what do you suggest sir?

Griffin: All bets are off. Time to make a deal.

(SCENE: RECREATION ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

Griffin: I believe this is yours. Let’s talk. I’ve been thinking about that replacement for Hubble.

Spring: You think it’s a good idea?

Griffin: Yeah.

Spring: Are you saying you’ll support my case?

Griffin: That’s what I’m saying.

Spring: For three officers?

Griffin: Two.

Spring: Three.

Griffin: Three.

Spring: Well I knew you were a reasonable man.

Griffin: Yeah. And I take it if I support you, you’ll support me?

Spring: That’s what we’re for.

Griffin: I’m talking about the Goodman investigation.

Spring: What Goodman investigation?

Griffin: So we’re both reasonable men.

Kenzy: I’m not. The Goodman investigation is mine and I’m not a reasonable man.

Griffin: Commander Spring have we got a deal or not?

Spring: A deal? Is that what you’re offering me?

Griffin: [Laughs] Now look, you got a choice here, you can either get your organisation into this station…

Kenzy: We’re already in, sir.

Spring: I knew you were a reasonable man.

Griffin: Yeah. And I take it if I support you, you’ll support me?

Spring: That’s what we’re for.

Griffin: I’m talking about the Goodman investigation.

Spring: What Goodman investigation?

Kenzy: A strategy taught to me by Commander Spring. I try to learn from my mistakes sir. Now would you like to tell us exactly what happened to Harvey Goodman?

Griffin: See for yourselves.

(SCENE: STAR COP OFFICE – MOONBASE)

Krivenko: He is still with the Americans?

Devis: Screen off. He’s not yet returned sir.

Krivenko: Assuming he’s still with the Americans.

Devis: Assuming you need to assume.

Krivenko: Do you expect him soon?

Devis: When he comes back I’m sure you’ll be the first to know sir.

Krivenko: If you believe that I know everything why do you try so hard to give nothing away?

Devis: Sir you really don’t have any right of access to this office.

Krivenko: [Laughs] Come now Colin I am the base co-ordinator.

Devis: That means nothing here.

Krivenko: Oh, it’s an interesting point of protocol.

Devis: It’s a point of law.

Marty: We want to register a salvage claim.

Lauter: Discarded module.

Marty: We want clear the rights to open it.

Lauter: And claim the hazard to navigation premium.

Devis: OK, screen one on reference missing modules. Right let’s have all the details. What is it exactly?

Marty: Module type P.

Devis: Module type P; and the path?

Marty: Lunar. B3462.

Devis: B3462. This is purely routine sir it won’t be of any interest to you.

Krivenko: On the contrary Colin routines are a source of great interest to me. What does this module contain?

Lauter: We don’t know until we cut it open.

Krivenko: Oh, you must cut it open?

Lauter: It’s damaged.

Marty: Welded tight.

Krivenko: And where will you do this cutting?

Marty: We’ll lease access to one of the moon base hangers.

Devis: Sir, can I get on with the paperwork please now? Oh well it’s not registered anywhere so the module and its contents are yours. I’ll get you a permit to open. Hazard premium should be through in due course.

Lauter: Thanks a lot.

Devis: No it’s my pleasure. I hope whatever’s in it turns out to be a real bonanza for you.

(SCENE: SCENE: COMMANDER'S ROOM - RONALD REAGAN SPACE STATION)

(Watching scientist work in a space station module)

Harvey Goodman: Specimen two hundred and seventy four, exposed to the vacuum for twenty four hours. No sign of cell damage at all.

Kenzy: Haven’t you got a better angle of what he’s looking at?

Harvey Goodman: Time check 0950. Temperature…

Griffin: The accident pictures are all we have.

Spring: Couldn’t you get inside the module and get the rest.

Griffin: Don’t you know what he’s doing?

Harvey Goodman: Cell division appears to continue normally. You are a tough little sucker aren’t you?

Spring: Oh my god, he’s working a space bug.

Griffin: A bacterium, a killer, one that likes the vacuum as much as it likes the air.

Harvey Goodman: Cell division appears to be accelerating, my god it’s a plague arrggh.

Griffin: Lennox was right you really were bluffing weren’t you? You didn’t know a god damn thing.

Spring: What did you do with the module?

Griffin: Detached it. Dropped it towards the sun. Can you imagine what would have happened if the rest of the station had been exposed to whatever it was he was working on in there?

Spring: I knew you must have been paying Hubble to keep his mouth shut but I had no idea.

Kenzy: It was your payments to him that got us interested in the first place.

Griffin: Well hell we couldn’t make Goodman’s work public. What he was doing wasn’t official.

Kenzy: Well how come you know so much about it then?

Griffin: We found some private notes in his quarters. Hell the son of a bitch wasn’t supposed to be working on germ warfare for Christ’s sakes.

Spring: Well no problem then.

Griffin: Yeah, do you think the Russians would have believed us? If that story had got out do you think anybody would have believed us?

Spring: I doubt it I don’t believe a single word.

Griffin: Yeah, well you know your trouble boy? You’ve been hanging around round those damned Ruskies for too god damned long.

Kenzy: So you decided to make Goodman a non person. He doesn’t exist, he never existed.

Griffin: Well hell, it wasn’t as dumb as it sounds. He had no family and nobody would care enough to check huh? And if they did, well, it was a computer bug. Sort of thing that happens all the time, huh? Might never get sorted out.

Kenzy: The sister must have been an embarrassment then?

Spring: Yes. How did you miss her?

(SCENE: INTERIOR OF GOODMAN HOUSE)

Theroux: No this is where she called from alright. But she doesn’t live here?

Lennox: Nobody lives here.

Theroux: This place has been up for sale for a year?

Lennox: I spoke to the realtor.

Theroux: The neighbours?

Lennox: Nobody’s ever met the woman.

Theroux: So Odele Goodman doesn’t exist. But the computer says she does.

(SCENE: RONALD REAGAN)

Spring: Harvey Goodman does exist and the computer says he doesn’t.

Theroux: If she’s not his sister who the hell is she?

Spring: Someone who wants this brought out into the open. Who would benefit from that?

(SCENE: MOONBASE)

Krivenko: I have been wondering friend, why is it welded closed?

(SCENE: STAR COP OFFICE – MOONBASE)

Krivenko: May I say how impressed I’ve been by your organisation.

Spring: Well I don’t think you’ve seen us quite at our best.

Krivenko: Well we are alive. That is what is important is it not?

Spring: Yes we’re alive. Anytime you want a job as a detective Alexander.

Krivenko: Oh I may avail myself of your invitation Nathan. I think it will be much more simple than what I am now called on to do.

Spring: Yes, I wish you luck.

Krivenko: Placeba. Suspicum.

Devis: Detective my arse, he knew what was in that thing he knew all along.

Spring: He just asked the right question Devis.

Devis: Yeah, a question I should have asked.

Spring: Well we were none of us was very sharp on this one.

Devis: Because it was a game. A Russian game and that old man out played us. Us and the Americans and he might do it again.

Spring: I don’t think so.

Kenzy: Well who was the woman then? If the Russians didn’t set her up to expose the Americans who did?

Devis: We seemed to be messed about by everyone. Even those two Americans got away with a whole bunch of violations.

Odele Goodman: Ah Commander Spring I presume?

Spring: Ah Miss Goodman. We meet at long last.

Odele Goodman: Listen, I’m sorry I wasn’t around when you called before.

Spring: Miss Goodman there’s something I want you to do for me.

(SCENE: SPACE PORT EARTH)

Lennox: It could all come out.

Griffin: Oh it’s not going to come out. Nobody wants it out in the open for Christ’s sakes.

Odele Goodman: Gentlemen.

Griffin: What the hell are you doing here?

Odele Goodman: Oh they let me through to meet you.

Lennox: What do you want from us?

Odele Goodman: A little chat. A while back we had a tip off from one of your people.

Griffin: Yeah, about what?

Odele Goodman: A possible cover up of some very nasty experiments out on the Ronald Reagan.

Griffin: Who exactly are you?

Odele Goodman: My name is Dilly Goodman, no relation of course. You know what they say only the name has been changed to trap the guilty and did you know you can change your name quite legally as often as you like.

Lennox: Do you have some ID?

Odele Goodman: You might find that a useful tip when you look for a new career. Assuming you don’t go to jail of course.

Griffin: World press association.

Odele Goodman: But I am told that you gentlemen are keen for this whole thing to be dealt with out in the open though. That and your suggestion that star cops should be appointed to the space station is pretty well bound to count in your favour. And quite honestly world press would certainly be behind you on that basis and now gentlemen just a few questions for the people back here on Earth.

(Ending Music)

Posted for reference purposes.

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